Hello everyone:
I have some news. This blog started out being about Josh. It was a way to share with friends and loved ones about my pregnancy. Then the blog turned into a copinjg mechanism while my little angel was the hospital. At that time it also served as a way to keep people informed on Josh's progress.
Now that my little miracle boy is almost 15 months old, amazing and perfect, and like a normal 15 month old, this blog doesn't need to be just about him anymore. I do hope for this to be about our adventures in parenting and about Josh's life (have no fear those of you who love to hear about Josh, he has another doctor's appointment on February 8th, and I will update then), but I recognize that Josh's life is not my story to share. Overall, I want this to be a story of our journey as a couple, a family story, a place to share about life, and it will also be a place to share about faith and my experience as a pastor (without sharing things I have no business sharing).
With that said, today is a moment when it is time to share about life and faith. I am having a difficult time. Yes, pastors too have difficult times. Those people you think have it all together and seem near perfect at times like moms and teachers, they struggle too. And, I hate to disappoint, pastors struggle with things you think they may not struggle with. We are human, too. We struggle with sin and temptation. And sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not in control and we can't always fix things on our own. We need to be reminded to give things over to God. And we appreciate your prayers! Prayers make a difference. Please, please, please, keep your pastor in your prayers!
If you have read the blog, you know about the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. You also know of my desire to have another child in the near future. After a heart to heart with my mother today I became discouraged. Josh is going to be 2 this year; perfect time to consider expanding the family. My mom does not think I need to have any more children. She thinks I will get preeclampsia again, and therefore, put another child at risk. And Lord knows, I don't want another child to spend 5 1/2 weeks the hospital. And Matt and I, and I am sure his medical insurance company, do not want us to have another massive hospital bill. Don't get me wrong, no amount of money could replace my darling. He was worth that and so much more. And we learned so much while he was in the hospital. But I do not think I am strong enough to go through that again.
I am just confused. My mom was sharing some about Josh with her doctor yesterday. He said his medical opinion is that I not get pregnant again. He said if it was his wife or his daughter he would advise them not to get pregnant. But then my doctor said there is only about a 12 - 15% chance that it could repeat. But those numbers could be skewed because some of the women who have this with a second or third child just go ahead and decide not to have anymore. Which means the number could be a tad higher. It is just frustrating to me. Out of like six risk factors I only had one. I know a woman who had preeclampsia with no risk factors. And I have friends I know who have my risk factor and have had multiple children with no problem.
My mom wanted me to keep my options open. She wanted me to think about other ways to have children. There are plenty of children out there without a good home or a family. And I agree. I have always considered adoption. I thought it might be something for me. Several people I know have adopted. I would love to do international adoption, but boy, is it expensive! Matt and I could never afford international adoption, so I decided to look into something else. I wanted to possibly look into a local adoption.
I spent a lot of this afternoon praying, and thinking, and talking to my husband. We would love to give some child without a home a good family and a nice place to live. But we don't feel that is the right thing for us at this time (and I know it takes more than one afternoon to resolve a situation like this). And it isn't about the child not being biologically ours or the fact that we may not have the child as a newborn. I know it isn't just about me and my needs and wants. It's about what God wants. And God calls people to be foster and adoptive parents.
But you have to know me. I am determined and ambitious. If you tell me I can't do something, I want to do it just to prove you wrong. Now, I know that is a bad reason to have a child. But that isn't the reasoning for having another child. I want to know that I can carry a child full term. I need to know I can do it. I want to scream from the top of my lungs that what happened to Josh was not my fault! I didn't do that to him. I need to do this for myself. I need to see and to know. It sure felt rotten when I thought my weight caused Josh's problems.
So I got to thinking, is adoption the easy way out? Is adoption the impatient me saying, "I want a child and I want one now, so I am going to take this in my own hands!" I have been there before. I have been the person who took things into my hands instead of waiting on God. The results have not been pretty. And adopting a child for that reason would be selfish and unfair.
Not choosing to expand our family out of fear seems bad. We want more children. We can love and care and provide for them. So we are going to stop because we are afraid of preeclampsia; afraid of 12-15%? Is choosing not to have another child like saying that I don't believe in the odds or that I don't believe God can work through the situation? Is it like saying God cannot give me a child at full term or close to it? God does not want us to be afraid. God will have his way, regardless. God works miracles. God can defy the odds. I want to be like Angie Smith (if you don't know much about her, you should look into her story). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, who is in the Christian band Selah. During one of Angie's pregnancies, they found out their daughter had some serious issues. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy because she might not live. As Christians, they couldn't do that. Angie's response when she found out that something was wrong with their little girl, she said that God was the same at that moment as he was before she knew. It was in God's hands. He was in control. I want to be like that. I want that attitude.
God can make our dream possible. Where there isn't a way, God can make a way. Now is not quite the right time to have another child. In God's time and his way, he will make our dreams come true. Thank you for listening to me. I am sorry for the rambling. I wanted to share my feelings; I wanted to share your life. And I would love for your prayers. Pray that I don't let fear comsume me. Pray that God's will be done. And pray that a child will bless our lives in the right time and in the right way, whether naturally or through adoption. It means so much to me to be able to share and to have your prayers.
Until next time...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The BIG goal for the New Year
My main goal for the year is to lose weight - a big goal indeed, that will hopefully leave me smaller. I have wanted this for a long time and I feel like this is my year and my time. This is the year it will happen. I have made plenty of goals this year (see previous post) and one of my goals is to make more time for myself and to take care of myself. If I want to start making myself a priority, a big way to do that is to lose weight.
My weight loss is going to be a process, one I will be happy to share here. I know it is a process, and it will take time. It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know the possibility exists that I may not lose all the weight I want to in a year. I recognize that there will be ups and downs, steps forward followed by steps backward, and times where I plateau. And hopefully, in sharing my journey, I can inspire someone else.
But I will not fail. This is my time. I am prepared to work harder when I reach those moments where I plateau. I am determined, ambitious, goal-oriented, and I recognize my will-power. This is what I desire and I will work hard at it. I am ready to not only work on the physical, but to examine and strengthen the mental and emotional aspects that are involved when you have a weight issue. I have someone (Matt) on my side ready to push and inspire me, to be my voice of reason, but also to listen and understand and to be the shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and frustrating. I have lost weight before and always put it back on. This time I will go the distance.
So here is my plan of action. I am sharing it so that people can help keep me accountable.
1. Exercise - Matt and I are committed to exercising 4-6 days a week. We are starting out at the 4 - 5 end and building up. My ultimate goal is to spend 5-6 hours a week exercising. Several days we will walk. Two miles is the magic number. I don't know how we picked that, but it sounds good. We also will incorporate our WII Fit as well as some DVDs. We have invested in Billy Blanks' Cardio Inferno, a Jillian Michaels video, and a Bob Harper video. They will probably be followed up with another Jillian Michaels video (she is the kind of trainer I need) and a Biggest Loser exercise video. I also have a 10 disk collection of fitness DVDs that alternate cardio, strength training/sculpting, and core exercises. Some days we will walk, some days do a video, and some days do both.
2. Drink Water - I encourage everyone to take a look at your consumption of liquids and watch what you drink and how much and when. I knew I did not drink near enough water, but when I actually looked it I was consuming an awful number of calories from sweet tea ( my love), juice ( I love juice almost as much), and soda ( I am addicted to Coke Zero). We will be drinking a lot more water around here. And whenever we go out to eat (which will be rare now) I will only order water. Can you imagine how many calories you consume from drinks when the waitress keeps refilling your drink glass with tea or soda? My goal for right now is 2 non-water drinks a day. So far I am on my 4th glass of water today and nothing else to drink, yet.
3. Food changes - Right now, Matt and I are not going on a BIG diet. We are making small, gradual changes to the way we eat. Matt and I do not eat that horribly. Our problems lie in small areas. Our first goal is to not eat after dinner. Dinner will be our last meal and we will not eat after 7:00. Our second goal is to eat healthier snacks during the day. We are cutting out a lot of sweets, but allowing treats occasionally (the doctor said it was good to reward yourself so you can stick with it). We will not be eating out (Hooray -we will also save some extra money). I will be looking for healthier ways to prepare what we eat. So we will probably not eat much fried food anymore. We will also eat less and healthier carbs, we will use portion control, watch calories, sugar, and salt intake, and we will go easy on stuff like mayonnaise, dressing, and barbecue sauce. Matt and I already eat a lot of veggies, and healthy meat like chicken and fish. We will just prepare them in healthier ways and eat a little less red meat. I have some recipes to try, and I can't wait. We will see how this goes. I am using some recipes from the Biggest Loser and the South Beach diet. If we need to for more results, we may actually go on one of those actual diets.
This is our plan. I will keep you updated with our progress. And I am hoping to post pictures with results down the road. Please stay tuned for progress, and maybe you can help hold us accountable. Thanks for your support!
My weight loss is going to be a process, one I will be happy to share here. I know it is a process, and it will take time. It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know the possibility exists that I may not lose all the weight I want to in a year. I recognize that there will be ups and downs, steps forward followed by steps backward, and times where I plateau. And hopefully, in sharing my journey, I can inspire someone else.
But I will not fail. This is my time. I am prepared to work harder when I reach those moments where I plateau. I am determined, ambitious, goal-oriented, and I recognize my will-power. This is what I desire and I will work hard at it. I am ready to not only work on the physical, but to examine and strengthen the mental and emotional aspects that are involved when you have a weight issue. I have someone (Matt) on my side ready to push and inspire me, to be my voice of reason, but also to listen and understand and to be the shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and frustrating. I have lost weight before and always put it back on. This time I will go the distance.
So here is my plan of action. I am sharing it so that people can help keep me accountable.
1. Exercise - Matt and I are committed to exercising 4-6 days a week. We are starting out at the 4 - 5 end and building up. My ultimate goal is to spend 5-6 hours a week exercising. Several days we will walk. Two miles is the magic number. I don't know how we picked that, but it sounds good. We also will incorporate our WII Fit as well as some DVDs. We have invested in Billy Blanks' Cardio Inferno, a Jillian Michaels video, and a Bob Harper video. They will probably be followed up with another Jillian Michaels video (she is the kind of trainer I need) and a Biggest Loser exercise video. I also have a 10 disk collection of fitness DVDs that alternate cardio, strength training/sculpting, and core exercises. Some days we will walk, some days do a video, and some days do both.
2. Drink Water - I encourage everyone to take a look at your consumption of liquids and watch what you drink and how much and when. I knew I did not drink near enough water, but when I actually looked it I was consuming an awful number of calories from sweet tea ( my love), juice ( I love juice almost as much), and soda ( I am addicted to Coke Zero). We will be drinking a lot more water around here. And whenever we go out to eat (which will be rare now) I will only order water. Can you imagine how many calories you consume from drinks when the waitress keeps refilling your drink glass with tea or soda? My goal for right now is 2 non-water drinks a day. So far I am on my 4th glass of water today and nothing else to drink, yet.
3. Food changes - Right now, Matt and I are not going on a BIG diet. We are making small, gradual changes to the way we eat. Matt and I do not eat that horribly. Our problems lie in small areas. Our first goal is to not eat after dinner. Dinner will be our last meal and we will not eat after 7:00. Our second goal is to eat healthier snacks during the day. We are cutting out a lot of sweets, but allowing treats occasionally (the doctor said it was good to reward yourself so you can stick with it). We will not be eating out (Hooray -we will also save some extra money). I will be looking for healthier ways to prepare what we eat. So we will probably not eat much fried food anymore. We will also eat less and healthier carbs, we will use portion control, watch calories, sugar, and salt intake, and we will go easy on stuff like mayonnaise, dressing, and barbecue sauce. Matt and I already eat a lot of veggies, and healthy meat like chicken and fish. We will just prepare them in healthier ways and eat a little less red meat. I have some recipes to try, and I can't wait. We will see how this goes. I am using some recipes from the Biggest Loser and the South Beach diet. If we need to for more results, we may actually go on one of those actual diets.
This is our plan. I will keep you updated with our progress. And I am hoping to post pictures with results down the road. Please stay tuned for progress, and maybe you can help hold us accountable. Thanks for your support!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's a New Year, time for New Beginnings!
The new year is a perfect time to think about new goals and new beginnings. It can be a kind of depressing time though, especially for those of us, like me, who do not like change. But I tend to find myself welcoming the new year more than dreading it because it is a chance for a fresh start.
2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. Tomorrow (January 3rd) is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It's been an amazing two years. We have been blessed with so much. But these past two years have had more than their fair share of difficulties. So I say it is time for Matt and I to have a fairly easy and really good year. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the strength I have gained, the closeness that has come to us, and the lessons learned from hard times, and the good over the past two years far outweighs the bad, but I do not desire to repeat some of what we have gone through!
I believe in giving myself goals for the new year. I do not like to call them resolutions, because to me resolutions seem like something people make just to break a month or two later (if they last that long). I am a very ambitious and determined person and I strive hard to complete whatever I set my mind to, so here are my goals for 2011:
1. Attitude is everything. I am going to try to remain positive and to see the good in each situation. I will strive to believe that things will turn out okay, and that no matter what, my life is in God's hands. He will take care of me.
2. I will lose weight. Not just try, I will do it. I am motivated and determined. I have already started. I didn't gain weight over Christmas, so that is a start. I will exercise and eat better. And Matt is there to encourage me.
3. I will not be so quick to judge or accuse. I will try to see everyone the way God sees them, and I will try to see things from someone else's perspective (you know, walk a mile in their shoes).
4. This is the one that scares me: I avow to try not to procrastinate. We will see how this turns out.
5. I want to grow closer to God. Read the whole Bible in one year, pray more, listen more, and be more willing, and eager, to follow his leading.
6. I will grow closer to my husband. I vow to start less arguments. I will communicate better, listen more, be more understanding, more patient, and more thoughtful.
7. Hopefully, 2011 will see the beginning of Baird baby number 2. We will see how that plays out.
8. I will take more time for myself. I will love more, have more fun, laugh more, cry less, make time for more family time, and help others.
These are my goals. Stay tuned to see how they turn out!
I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, love, joy and peace.
Happy 2011!
2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. Tomorrow (January 3rd) is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It's been an amazing two years. We have been blessed with so much. But these past two years have had more than their fair share of difficulties. So I say it is time for Matt and I to have a fairly easy and really good year. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the strength I have gained, the closeness that has come to us, and the lessons learned from hard times, and the good over the past two years far outweighs the bad, but I do not desire to repeat some of what we have gone through!
I believe in giving myself goals for the new year. I do not like to call them resolutions, because to me resolutions seem like something people make just to break a month or two later (if they last that long). I am a very ambitious and determined person and I strive hard to complete whatever I set my mind to, so here are my goals for 2011:
1. Attitude is everything. I am going to try to remain positive and to see the good in each situation. I will strive to believe that things will turn out okay, and that no matter what, my life is in God's hands. He will take care of me.
2. I will lose weight. Not just try, I will do it. I am motivated and determined. I have already started. I didn't gain weight over Christmas, so that is a start. I will exercise and eat better. And Matt is there to encourage me.
3. I will not be so quick to judge or accuse. I will try to see everyone the way God sees them, and I will try to see things from someone else's perspective (you know, walk a mile in their shoes).
4. This is the one that scares me: I avow to try not to procrastinate. We will see how this turns out.
5. I want to grow closer to God. Read the whole Bible in one year, pray more, listen more, and be more willing, and eager, to follow his leading.
6. I will grow closer to my husband. I vow to start less arguments. I will communicate better, listen more, be more understanding, more patient, and more thoughtful.
7. Hopefully, 2011 will see the beginning of Baird baby number 2. We will see how that plays out.
8. I will take more time for myself. I will love more, have more fun, laugh more, cry less, make time for more family time, and help others.
These are my goals. Stay tuned to see how they turn out!
I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, love, joy and peace.
Happy 2011!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas with my little angel
We had a wonderful Christmas with our little angel. It was so much more fun this year. Josh was able to open presents and to play with his new things. He understands about opening presents, although he seems to prefer playing with wrapping paper and boxes. And Mommy loves that Josh is young enough that he doesn't care if I buy him clothes!
Josh got so many nice new things. He honestly does not need anything! He is one spoiled little boy. But I feel thankful that we have so many people that love and care about us! Christmas isn't about the presents, it's about family, love, and giving to others, but most importantly, it is about Jesus! I can't wait until Josh is old enough to hear and understand the Christmas story and the true meaning of Christmas!
Josh had a busy Christmas! He went several places over a few days, and he got overwhelmed with his gifts. He saw so many people, and loved it. Josh just loves people. He saw Santa for the first time. Last Christmas he just came home from the hospital and wasn't supposed to go anywhere because of the flu. Josh fell in love with Santa. He rested his head on Santa's beard, and then he tried to give Santa his passie. It was so cute! I will have to add some pictures to Facebook soon!
Mommy and Daddy had a wonderful Christmas as well. But we really just enjoyed Josh. It was so much fun to watch him get so excited. And even more fun to watch him playing with his new toys ( I will add those pictures to Facebook as well). There is nothing like Christmas until you have Christmas with your child. It truly is priceless. I am so blessed and so thankful for all we have.
And we finished off our Christmas Day with snow. Josh isn't old enough to understand it, but it made Mommy and Daddy excited. Sunday we took Josh outside in it and got some pictures. He was really indifferent. He didn't like that the snow itself was cold. When we had him outside the wind was blowing and he didn't really care for that either. So he wasn't outside very long, but we enjoyed having him out there with us.
This definitely was a wonderful holiday season. As always I am sad to see it go. It feels like an eternity before it returns. But I am looking forward to the new year and all it has to bring. Thank you so much to everyone who made our holiday so special!
Josh got so many nice new things. He honestly does not need anything! He is one spoiled little boy. But I feel thankful that we have so many people that love and care about us! Christmas isn't about the presents, it's about family, love, and giving to others, but most importantly, it is about Jesus! I can't wait until Josh is old enough to hear and understand the Christmas story and the true meaning of Christmas!
Josh had a busy Christmas! He went several places over a few days, and he got overwhelmed with his gifts. He saw so many people, and loved it. Josh just loves people. He saw Santa for the first time. Last Christmas he just came home from the hospital and wasn't supposed to go anywhere because of the flu. Josh fell in love with Santa. He rested his head on Santa's beard, and then he tried to give Santa his passie. It was so cute! I will have to add some pictures to Facebook soon!
Mommy and Daddy had a wonderful Christmas as well. But we really just enjoyed Josh. It was so much fun to watch him get so excited. And even more fun to watch him playing with his new toys ( I will add those pictures to Facebook as well). There is nothing like Christmas until you have Christmas with your child. It truly is priceless. I am so blessed and so thankful for all we have.
And we finished off our Christmas Day with snow. Josh isn't old enough to understand it, but it made Mommy and Daddy excited. Sunday we took Josh outside in it and got some pictures. He was really indifferent. He didn't like that the snow itself was cold. When we had him outside the wind was blowing and he didn't really care for that either. So he wasn't outside very long, but we enjoyed having him out there with us.
This definitely was a wonderful holiday season. As always I am sad to see it go. It feels like an eternity before it returns. But I am looking forward to the new year and all it has to bring. Thank you so much to everyone who made our holiday so special!
Monday, December 13, 2010
An Important Milestone
This past Friday, on December 10, 2010, this family shared a very important milestone: it had been exactly one year since our little monkey came home from the hospital!! It was a very beautiful day and a beautiful thing to celebrate. The day was even complete with a few tears from me.
It is still hard to think about those days sometimes. I find myself still asking "WHY?" Honestly, I still don't think it is fair. There is a slight tinge of bitterness remaining. But then I think about all the blessings that came out of it. First of all, my little monkey did not have a December birthday (and if you know me, you know that was a fear of mine). Secondly, I got to meet my little boy 6 1/2 weeks early! I spent time taking care of him, holding him, feeding him, and changing his diaper well before I was supposed to. Thirdly, him coming early was time I did not spend pregnant and miserable! And lastly, Josh has a story. He was a miracle from the beginning. We see his story, the fact that he was a preemie, as a badge of honor. It is something we overcame and something we are proud of him for. Josh will be able to minister to people, and because of what I went through, I will be able to help more women in my congregations.
I still remember the day we brought him home. We had roomed in the night before at the hospital to get the hang of spending a night with him. We had access to a nurse if we needed one. And that was helpful, especially since Josh was on that apnea monitor. We had a great night, but there was not a lot of sleep! The next morning around 7:30, the morning nurse came to get him and said she would call him after the doctor came in and made a decision. It seemed like we waited forever!! She finally called (close to 9) and said we could come to the nursery. The doctor had released Josh!! I have never been so happy in my whole life. We went to the nursery to fill out paperwork and help get Josh ready to leave. We got out of the hospital around 10 AM. I cried when we left the hospital! I called my mom and told her we were on the way home with Josh, still crying. We got Josh home, showed him around the house, and got him settled. Then Matt had to go to work because he only took half a day off work. I cried when Matt left, not knowing if I could care for him by myself, but we had a great afternoon! It was the start of something beautiful!
It definitely was hard leaving him in the hospital, but it was heaven when he came home. I know he was in the best place for him. It would have killed me if he had come home and we had to take him back. Part of the reason Josh was in the hospital so long was because of his own stubborness. The rest of it was the doctors taking so long to figure out everything that was wrong with him, and misdiagnosing him several times. That did make me a little upset with the doctors and I was getting impatient. The original hope and timeline was for him to be home in time for Thanksgiving, and it could have happened. Josh was big enough, but it wasn't in God's plan. I guess God was trying to teach me patience. And Josh being in the hospital gave me time to rest because once he came home, I wasn't getting much rest!
I spent part of this beautiful anniversary healing. My healing process has seemed slow, but it has progressed. I have come far in a year. And it seems like in the last 2 1/2 months I have made the most progress. I think my healing is pretty close to complete, although I do have days where I take steps backward. On this anniversary, I took photos of Josh and went to Shutterfly to make a photo book. I told Josh's story in pictures, with no words, over the first year of his life. You can see how he grew and changed! It reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. And Josh is not that little boy anymore. He is big, strong, and healthy. Seeing his progress step by step over the first year definitely made it easier. And my focus needs to be on my little boy right now, not who he was at 3 pounds 7 ounces!
It is still hard to think about those days sometimes. I find myself still asking "WHY?" Honestly, I still don't think it is fair. There is a slight tinge of bitterness remaining. But then I think about all the blessings that came out of it. First of all, my little monkey did not have a December birthday (and if you know me, you know that was a fear of mine). Secondly, I got to meet my little boy 6 1/2 weeks early! I spent time taking care of him, holding him, feeding him, and changing his diaper well before I was supposed to. Thirdly, him coming early was time I did not spend pregnant and miserable! And lastly, Josh has a story. He was a miracle from the beginning. We see his story, the fact that he was a preemie, as a badge of honor. It is something we overcame and something we are proud of him for. Josh will be able to minister to people, and because of what I went through, I will be able to help more women in my congregations.
I still remember the day we brought him home. We had roomed in the night before at the hospital to get the hang of spending a night with him. We had access to a nurse if we needed one. And that was helpful, especially since Josh was on that apnea monitor. We had a great night, but there was not a lot of sleep! The next morning around 7:30, the morning nurse came to get him and said she would call him after the doctor came in and made a decision. It seemed like we waited forever!! She finally called (close to 9) and said we could come to the nursery. The doctor had released Josh!! I have never been so happy in my whole life. We went to the nursery to fill out paperwork and help get Josh ready to leave. We got out of the hospital around 10 AM. I cried when we left the hospital! I called my mom and told her we were on the way home with Josh, still crying. We got Josh home, showed him around the house, and got him settled. Then Matt had to go to work because he only took half a day off work. I cried when Matt left, not knowing if I could care for him by myself, but we had a great afternoon! It was the start of something beautiful!
It definitely was hard leaving him in the hospital, but it was heaven when he came home. I know he was in the best place for him. It would have killed me if he had come home and we had to take him back. Part of the reason Josh was in the hospital so long was because of his own stubborness. The rest of it was the doctors taking so long to figure out everything that was wrong with him, and misdiagnosing him several times. That did make me a little upset with the doctors and I was getting impatient. The original hope and timeline was for him to be home in time for Thanksgiving, and it could have happened. Josh was big enough, but it wasn't in God's plan. I guess God was trying to teach me patience. And Josh being in the hospital gave me time to rest because once he came home, I wasn't getting much rest!
I spent part of this beautiful anniversary healing. My healing process has seemed slow, but it has progressed. I have come far in a year. And it seems like in the last 2 1/2 months I have made the most progress. I think my healing is pretty close to complete, although I do have days where I take steps backward. On this anniversary, I took photos of Josh and went to Shutterfly to make a photo book. I told Josh's story in pictures, with no words, over the first year of his life. You can see how he grew and changed! It reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. And Josh is not that little boy anymore. He is big, strong, and healthy. Seeing his progress step by step over the first year definitely made it easier. And my focus needs to be on my little boy right now, not who he was at 3 pounds 7 ounces!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Being Thankful
Being thankful is something that shouldn't end just because Thanksgiving is over. We should be thankful each and everyday for what we are given. I would have written this last week, but I was without a computer for a week because my laptop crashed. That leads to the first thing I am thankful for (these aren't in order)...
1. Technology - I love having a computer, internet, cell phone, an mp3, and so many other things. It is so easy nowadays to keep in contact with those we love and care about. Plus it is so easy to get news and information quickly.
2. God - Without God we wouldn't have all these wonderful things we are blessed with; countless things we don't deserve. I love my relationship with God. I appreciate so much that God allowed his Son to die on my behalf when I didn't deserve. It is wonderful that God treats us with mercy, grace, and that he chooses to forgive us. And I love that God hears our prayers. God is my Savior, and without Him, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today.
3. Family - Who has seen you at your worst and still loves you? Who supports you in all your endeavors? Who is there to back you up and help out in any situation? Family, of course! All my family means so much to me. Without them I wouldn't be where I am today. I have a wonderful husband, supportive parents, and an amazing sister who is one of my best friends!
4. My son - I know he could be put in the category of family, but our relationship is special. A mother cannot love anyone the way she loves her children. We carry them and give birth to them. We have a bond with them and a love so deep and strong before they even get here. A mother nourishes and helps her baby grow for 9 months, and then after our child is here we continue to help them grow. But I am even more thankful for Josh after what we have been through. Josh could easily not be here right now, but God had bigger plans for Josh. Josh's premature birth taught Mommy and Daddy alot about God's sovereignty and his care for his children. Josh is my world. I have never loved anyone the way I love my son!
5. Other supportive people - Friends, extended family, co-workers, and church family are all wonderful people to have around. It is great to have people that love and care about you; people who are supportive and understanding, or people who can lend a helping hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Close friends are a blessing!
6. My job - It is an honor to be chosen to serve God in ministry. I still do not know why he chose me, but I am thankful. I plan to spend my next 40 years or so serving God to the best of my ability. It is great to be there for people, to listen, to be compassionate and generous, to point people to God, to pray for them, and to be their pastor. What better career could there be then serving God? It is a chore, stressful, frustrating, and difficult at times, but so fulfilling. I pray God will be with me and continue to help me get better at my vocation.
7. All the extras - Food, money, a home, and all the other things we need to get by. We are blessed to have what we need and some of what we want. Even in those times when things were rough (like when Josh was in the hospital) God provided what we needed. During the recession Matt never lost his job even though his company let people go. We are so blessed! I know God will provide for all our needs if we are just faithful. And even if we don't have all of what we want, we will still have what we need, and each other!
We all need to remember to count our blessings and be thankful each and every day.
1. Technology - I love having a computer, internet, cell phone, an mp3, and so many other things. It is so easy nowadays to keep in contact with those we love and care about. Plus it is so easy to get news and information quickly.
2. God - Without God we wouldn't have all these wonderful things we are blessed with; countless things we don't deserve. I love my relationship with God. I appreciate so much that God allowed his Son to die on my behalf when I didn't deserve. It is wonderful that God treats us with mercy, grace, and that he chooses to forgive us. And I love that God hears our prayers. God is my Savior, and without Him, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today.
3. Family - Who has seen you at your worst and still loves you? Who supports you in all your endeavors? Who is there to back you up and help out in any situation? Family, of course! All my family means so much to me. Without them I wouldn't be where I am today. I have a wonderful husband, supportive parents, and an amazing sister who is one of my best friends!
4. My son - I know he could be put in the category of family, but our relationship is special. A mother cannot love anyone the way she loves her children. We carry them and give birth to them. We have a bond with them and a love so deep and strong before they even get here. A mother nourishes and helps her baby grow for 9 months, and then after our child is here we continue to help them grow. But I am even more thankful for Josh after what we have been through. Josh could easily not be here right now, but God had bigger plans for Josh. Josh's premature birth taught Mommy and Daddy alot about God's sovereignty and his care for his children. Josh is my world. I have never loved anyone the way I love my son!
5. Other supportive people - Friends, extended family, co-workers, and church family are all wonderful people to have around. It is great to have people that love and care about you; people who are supportive and understanding, or people who can lend a helping hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Close friends are a blessing!
6. My job - It is an honor to be chosen to serve God in ministry. I still do not know why he chose me, but I am thankful. I plan to spend my next 40 years or so serving God to the best of my ability. It is great to be there for people, to listen, to be compassionate and generous, to point people to God, to pray for them, and to be their pastor. What better career could there be then serving God? It is a chore, stressful, frustrating, and difficult at times, but so fulfilling. I pray God will be with me and continue to help me get better at my vocation.
7. All the extras - Food, money, a home, and all the other things we need to get by. We are blessed to have what we need and some of what we want. Even in those times when things were rough (like when Josh was in the hospital) God provided what we needed. During the recession Matt never lost his job even though his company let people go. We are so blessed! I know God will provide for all our needs if we are just faithful. And even if we don't have all of what we want, we will still have what we need, and each other!
We all need to remember to count our blessings and be thankful each and every day.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Josh isn't a baby anymore
It truly is heartbreaking the day you realize your first child (and probably any child) is no longer a baby! Matt and I are at that point with Josh. He isn't a baby anymore, and it's sad. My little man is trying to walk. He crawls and scoots all over the place. He has 8 teeth and is getting another. Josh talks like crazy, He has about 11 - 12 words and phrases, or attempted words and phrases he says. Josh claps when he does something new. He explores new things. And his diet is now consisting of some real milk and more and more real people food with each new day. Definitely not a baby anymore. He is becoming a little toddler now. To watch him learn, say, and do new things makes me so proud, but it is also bittersweet. Does he have to grow up so fast? And this little monkey loves to assert his independence. He is stubborn and determined, and he throws some good temper tantrums. Now if only we could get him potty-trained, we really would have a little adult on our hands! I am only joking, I know it takes longer to potty train a boy. So we probably have 8 - 10 months or a year before we start that.
I imagine with different moms there are different feelings about when your child grows up. And different moms probably handle it in different ways. I am sure there will be times where I can't wait for Josh to reach the next stage of his growth and development. But I don't want to rush him growing up. And right now I am not liking going into the stage of toddlerhood. I wish I could just keep him as my little baby right now. I long for the days where I can rock him, snuggle him, feed him a bottle, and play with his hair. He is already getting to the point where he doesn't like to be held like a baby anymore! These days are leaving us much faster than I would like them to!
So how am I handling it? I have baby fever on the brain. Matt and I are not talking about trying right now, but that day is fast approaching. In some ways I am kind of surprised I am visiting this thought right now, but in other ways I am not. I did not have baby fever when I got pregnant with Josh. In fact, I was on birth control. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy scared. And I cried when I told my mom. It wasn't a good cry. I did not cry because I was so happy; like a woman who had been trying forever. My cry was more in sync with a teenage girl who has to tell her mom something like that. I felt so unprepared. It wasn't planned. I had only been married three months! I was still in school! I didn't have a full time job! So many worries. But God took care of it all. Now that I have Josh, I can't imagine life without a child. And I don't know how I got through without him!
I can see why I want another child. I also think a pregnancy will be much different trying to have a child, and actually already having a child. It seems like it will be much more enjoyable. But I know there are some thoughts on why I am surprised I am entertaining the idea of another child now. I have always been sort of a snob about having my kids spaced "just right." I never in my life thought I would be thinking about having a second child right after my first child turned one. I recognize that some of the idea could just be because Josh turned one. But overall, I think Matt and I are ready. And Josh would be a great big brother!
But some things have to happen first. One, we will definitely not be getting pregant (unless God has other plans, again) until after the first of the year. Two, in case anyone is unfamiliar, Methodists move their pastors around. I want to make sure I am not moving before I consider getting pregnant next year. I think it would be rude to go to a new church, work and get to know the people for four months, and then take my 2 month maternity leave. I should have an idea if I am moving around March or April. Three, I don't want a baby before Christmas, or even in the month of December at all. I was terrified and disappointed when I learned that Josh's due date was December 15. Too close to Christmas. So with all of that said, April or May would be the earliest we would probably start trying. April would put us due in January. Josh would be 2 years and 2 months. Sounds perfect to me! I don't want Josh to be under 2.
If we allot some extra time considering my first pregnancy, and realize that a baby could come early, we may not want to try before May. I am not anticipating or wanting another baby to come early. But that is another reason for waiting awhile. I want to lose some weight before I try again. I had preeclampsia with Josh, and if anyone knows anything about it, your chances increase with weight, and several other factors. My weight was my only risk factor. It also increases with age, race, and certain health conditions. I have a few friends and known some other women who were overweight and had multiple healthy pregnancies. I wasn't that lucky. I also know some women in good shape who had preeclampsia. It used to be if you had preeclampsia that you were advised not to have more children. Doctors didn't know if it would happen again. The majority of preeclampsia births occur in a first or last birth. I can see why! If a woman goes through it the first time, she may not want to risk it again. And if she already has a child or two, and it happens the second or third time, she is probably done anyway. And if it not, the experience is enough to keep her from risking it again when she already has 2 or 3 kids. Plus, the risk increases with age. But the OB told me that only 12-15% of women who had preeclampsia with a first birth experienced it in a later birth. Those are good odds. So basically, I am giving myself 5-6 months to lose some weight. Please keep us, and this future pregnancy and child in your prayers. Pray that God works it out according to his will. And that the baby will be healthy. We thank you in advance.
I imagine with different moms there are different feelings about when your child grows up. And different moms probably handle it in different ways. I am sure there will be times where I can't wait for Josh to reach the next stage of his growth and development. But I don't want to rush him growing up. And right now I am not liking going into the stage of toddlerhood. I wish I could just keep him as my little baby right now. I long for the days where I can rock him, snuggle him, feed him a bottle, and play with his hair. He is already getting to the point where he doesn't like to be held like a baby anymore! These days are leaving us much faster than I would like them to!
So how am I handling it? I have baby fever on the brain. Matt and I are not talking about trying right now, but that day is fast approaching. In some ways I am kind of surprised I am visiting this thought right now, but in other ways I am not. I did not have baby fever when I got pregnant with Josh. In fact, I was on birth control. I spent a large portion of my pregnancy scared. And I cried when I told my mom. It wasn't a good cry. I did not cry because I was so happy; like a woman who had been trying forever. My cry was more in sync with a teenage girl who has to tell her mom something like that. I felt so unprepared. It wasn't planned. I had only been married three months! I was still in school! I didn't have a full time job! So many worries. But God took care of it all. Now that I have Josh, I can't imagine life without a child. And I don't know how I got through without him!
I can see why I want another child. I also think a pregnancy will be much different trying to have a child, and actually already having a child. It seems like it will be much more enjoyable. But I know there are some thoughts on why I am surprised I am entertaining the idea of another child now. I have always been sort of a snob about having my kids spaced "just right." I never in my life thought I would be thinking about having a second child right after my first child turned one. I recognize that some of the idea could just be because Josh turned one. But overall, I think Matt and I are ready. And Josh would be a great big brother!
But some things have to happen first. One, we will definitely not be getting pregant (unless God has other plans, again) until after the first of the year. Two, in case anyone is unfamiliar, Methodists move their pastors around. I want to make sure I am not moving before I consider getting pregnant next year. I think it would be rude to go to a new church, work and get to know the people for four months, and then take my 2 month maternity leave. I should have an idea if I am moving around March or April. Three, I don't want a baby before Christmas, or even in the month of December at all. I was terrified and disappointed when I learned that Josh's due date was December 15. Too close to Christmas. So with all of that said, April or May would be the earliest we would probably start trying. April would put us due in January. Josh would be 2 years and 2 months. Sounds perfect to me! I don't want Josh to be under 2.
If we allot some extra time considering my first pregnancy, and realize that a baby could come early, we may not want to try before May. I am not anticipating or wanting another baby to come early. But that is another reason for waiting awhile. I want to lose some weight before I try again. I had preeclampsia with Josh, and if anyone knows anything about it, your chances increase with weight, and several other factors. My weight was my only risk factor. It also increases with age, race, and certain health conditions. I have a few friends and known some other women who were overweight and had multiple healthy pregnancies. I wasn't that lucky. I also know some women in good shape who had preeclampsia. It used to be if you had preeclampsia that you were advised not to have more children. Doctors didn't know if it would happen again. The majority of preeclampsia births occur in a first or last birth. I can see why! If a woman goes through it the first time, she may not want to risk it again. And if she already has a child or two, and it happens the second or third time, she is probably done anyway. And if it not, the experience is enough to keep her from risking it again when she already has 2 or 3 kids. Plus, the risk increases with age. But the OB told me that only 12-15% of women who had preeclampsia with a first birth experienced it in a later birth. Those are good odds. So basically, I am giving myself 5-6 months to lose some weight. Please keep us, and this future pregnancy and child in your prayers. Pray that God works it out according to his will. And that the baby will be healthy. We thank you in advance.
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