Half a year already

Tomorrow, on May 1, my little monkey will be 6 months old! I can't believe it has been 6 months already! We have come so far in 6 months. And in some ways, it feels like he was born just yesterday. But in other ways, it feels like it is possible that it has been longer than six months. As we have neared this milestone, I have been reflecting a lot on that fateful day in November. Several important points have popped into my head through this reflection.

1.) Nothing, no, nothing at all, prepares you for the birth of your first child. Even if you having been trying for years to have a baby, and waiting for that day, you still don't know what to expect. I don't know how it is for men, but as a woman, there is a lot of anticipation and nerves involved over not knowing. Even after talking to plenty of other women, doctors, and reading anything and everything about childbirth, I don't think it is possible to be fully ready. There are a lot of unknowns in childbirth. Things can come up, and as one who likes to have everything planned out, childbirth was a shocking and difficult experience for me, especially in the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. But I guess I better understand that with a young infant around, nothing goes according to plan!

2.) Nothing can describe the love you feel for your child. Matt and I were just talking about this last night. This love you feel is a new kind of love. It is very different from the love you have for your spouse. When you look at your child for the first time, there is the overwhelming sense of pride. I was in awe when I saw Josh. I couldn't believe that I had a hand in creating something so beautiful and precious. Childbirth really is a miracle. Josh brings me such joy. I love him with everything I am and everything I have. I would do anything for him. And along with this strong love comes the need to protect. You want to shield your child from harm, and I think that is much stronger after you have had a child in the NICU.

3.) Lastly, and most importantly, is that I was once again reminded that I am never truly alone. God reminded me that he is there. Matt and I experienced so many trials our first year of marriage. It was really overwhelming. But the repeated theme in the lessons seemed to be to trust in God because he would never leave or forsake us. Matt and I learned that lesson in a big way while Josh was in the hospital. God would bring us to something, and then would bring us through it. With God, we are able to get through anything. Matt and I both had to use strength we didn't even know we had while Josh was sick. God gave me the strength to get through it. God's will is perfect. I will never understand why Josh needed to go through that, but I know that God did not leave Josh, or Matt and me, for one second. This experience is just something that made me stronger, made my marriage stronger, and made me a better mother. Now, just because I was able to get through this, and can have a positive outlook, doesn't mean I would want to go through it again!

I imagine there will be some celebrating tomorrow. Where Josh is right now is where I have envisioned being. It is what I imagined having a baby would be like after I found out I was pregnant. Where we are now became some of my deepest hopes and desires while Josh was in the hospital. And now, it is my reality, and for that I am so thankful! I cherish each and every day with my miracle.

In honor of Josh's six month birthday, I want to be thankful for all progress. There are no signs of prematurity anymore! We have healthy lungs, healthy eyesight, and healthy hearing. Josh is long and has gained weight wonderfully (he goes to the doctor Wednesday; I will update more after the appointment, especially on his specific size). We have a good eater on our hands. He is eating baby food. He is teething and should have his first tooth soon. Josh has rolled over once and is trying to do it again. He has crawled once, as well. Our little one has a good amount of hair for a 6 month old. He has a great personality and he loves to laugh. These all sound like wonderful things to celebrate, and Matt and I will spend tomorrow doing just that!

All the Firsts

I love where we are with Josh right now. He is doing wonderfully. Being a mother is amazing. I know Matt loves being a father. And Matt is a great father. Josh is so precious and he is such a good baby. One of the best things about being a mother is all of the firsts. I feel so proud of Josh when he does something new for the first time. I love to watch his face when he does something for the first time or when he discovers something new. Watching Josh discover new things is bittersweet, though. It means Josh is growing up. But with Josh growing up is a good thing because we worked so hard to get here.

Where we are is where I have imagined being since we brought Josh home. This is the closure I have imagined having. This is the way I have wanted to feel. Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to wish away Josh's infancy. You can ask Matt; I am hanging onto as much as I can. I have just wanted Josh to be on a platform comparable to other infants. It doesn't mean Josh was loved less or that we considered Josh different. Josh has always been special, and I think we loved him a little more because of what we all went through. Matt and I learned at an early point how important it is not to take your child for granted. I just love looking at my precious son and not seeing any signs of prematurity!

At almost 5 1/2 months Josh is almost 16 pounds. Matt has a co-worker who's wife gave birth a few days after me. Their son is not even a pound bigger than Josh! We knew Josh is above the 55th percentile in weight. He is doing so well. We have not measured him recently, but we are guessing he is about 24 inches long. He is still a little on the short side, but with Matt, at 6'3", as his father, I am not too worried about it. I know he will catch up in height eventually. Plus, girls are often taller than boys eventually because they hit puberty sooner. I remember being taller than most boys I knew well into middle school. But now that Josh is eating baby food, the doctor mentioned he won't gain as fast as he has been. It is the milk and formula that puts on the weight. Even with Josh leveling off, he is still on track. The doctor mentioned that baby's gain differently and a lot of factors affect their weight gain. He told me that at 1 year there is a wide range of weights a baby could be. The apparent normal weight for a 1 year old is between 19-27 pounds. So Josh is definitely on track!

Josh is doing so well. Some of the firsts we are experiencing with Josh right now are normal, but on some of them Josh is considered to be developing fastly for a preemie. Josh is trying so bad to talk. He also loves to play games. Josh is fascinated with the TV and we let him watch a few TV shows. In typical child fashion, Josh loves Sesame Street! He loves music and we let him listen as much as he likes. Josh is crazy about stories. He loves to look at the pictures. We are working on Dr. Seuss right now.

Josh can take his passy out and put it back in. He has been taking it out forever, but now he can put it back in the right way. Our little boy is also teething. He has three tooth buds, which means three teeth will be coming in soon. He has been teething for a couple weeks. The doctor thinks the first one will be in by six months! Also, Josh is trying to roll over. He has been trying forever. He is almost there. He just can't throw that last shoulder over. Josh should figure it out soon. He gets closer every day. I imagine he will master this within the next couple weeks. Yesterday we were having tummy time on the floor. He was having a good time playing. He decided to start trying to roll over. He was getting so mad that he couldn't do it. So then he decided to try to do something amazing. He started to crawl! Not a normal crawl, but across the floor on his elbows like he was in war. Matt called it the Vietnam crawl. He went about 4 or 5 feet on his elbows! We were so proud of him! That is a step in the right direction. He will be up on his hands and knees before we know it!

We are so blessed that he is doing so well. With Josh we are not experiencing near the delay, if any, that we expected. There are no visible or internal signs that he was a preemie. No hearing loss, no eye problems, no weakened immune system, and now he is developing on time and even earlier. We are so thankful! God truly is amazing and a miracle worker! Our baby is just fine. His acid reflux even seems to be subsiding way earlier than we expected. We couldn't be any luckier than we have been. Josh has his sixth month checkup on May the fifth. He will get his shots, and will probably be taken off his caffeine (for the apnea). Josh is now on the smallest dose of caffeine possible. He just moved down yesterday. If there are no flare ups before our next doctor's appointment, then we are golden. They will give us permission to take him off the caffeine. If he does well off the caffeine for a couple weeks, the monitor will come off. I am so thankful that the monitor should be off by the end of May! God is so good! I will update after our next appointment, if not before.

My big boy

We are so proud of our big, little boy. He is doing so well. Josh had his four month appointment today, which means shots. Everything went well with the doctor. Josh got five vaccines today, but they were mixed into two shots so Josh only got stuck twice. The nurses are really good about it. They stick him at the same time. It still breaks my heart to watch him get his shots. I feel like such a bad mother for letting him experience pain, but I know this is necessary. I know that I am really being the best mother I can be by getting my son vaccinated. Josh decided today that it wasn't necessary to cry until they had pulled the shots out of his little leg. And he only cried for a second. He is such a good boy when we go to the doctor.

We had a good visit with the doctor. My little monkey is now 14 pounds! He moved up from around the 15-20% in weight to between the 35-40%. We are so proud of him. He is still pretty short, only reaching about 22 inches in length, but we know that his height will catch up later, especially since his daddy is so tall. Josh is developing right on schedule. There is no evidence of prematurity, other than his size. He is smart and has physical development that is where it should be for a 4 1/2 month old. The doctor says the only thing that may concern me is that he may appear to crawl, walk, or talk late, but that boys do these things later than girls.

Our little monkey has marvelous head control so we got the green light to feed him baby food! I am so excited for this. I was under the impression that we would be told we could only give him baby cereal at first, but the doctor felt that since he had been having cereal in his bottle for awhile now, that he could eat some baby food as well. The plan is to let him have two meals a day. We are giving him baby cereal in a dish for one meal. He can have baby food at another meal, and still get some cereal in his bottle before bed. The doctor wanted us to start Josh on fruit. So tonight Josh ate apples and he loved them! The doctor said intially Josh may only eat a few bites while he got used to taste, texture, and the spoon, and then he would build up to half a container within a couple weeks. Well, Josh went ahead and ate half the container of apples. I knew we would have a good eater on our hands!

The other good report from the doctor involves his caffeine and the apnea monitor. Josh has been back down to 0.4 mL of caffeine once a day (as opposed to 0.6). He will be on 0.4 for three weeks, and if he handles that well he will move down to 0.2 until his 6 month checkup on May 5. If he has tolerated all of that well, he will come off his medicine on May 5. Then we will only have to keep him on the monitor 2-4 weeks longer! Praise God! I am so ready for him to lose that monitor.

I feel so much better after such a great checkup. I have been waiting for Josh to thrive like this. This has been a long time coming. We have come so far from where we were in December. I think about all the nights I spent crying in November and December, wondering why we were going through that; wondering what I had done wrong and I thought it would never get better. Now I feel so humbled and blessed. There was a beautiful lesson in everything we went through. I know I will never take my beautiful little boy for granted. He is such a precious gift from God. And he is growing up so fast! I am so proud of his improvement. I look at him and know I am blessed and lucky to be his mom. He is going to be just fine. I praise God for all of this.

Time....

I can't believe how time is flying! Yesterday our little booger was 4 months old....a third of a year. Matt and I celebrated for Josh with a cake. I was just itching for some cake, so I made a red velvet cake in honor of my favorite little monkey. I just can't believe time. Time really changes when you are a mom. Some days it seems like yesterday that he was born. At other times, it feels like forever ago.

Josh is changing in so many ways. He is starting to look more and more like me. When he was born he looked mainly like Matt. I did not believe he was my boy because he did not resemble me at all. He still looks a great deal like his handsome daddy, though. Josh is looking so grown up. It kills me sometimes.

And he is so big. Josh is weighing around 11 pounds and he has got to be about 24 inches long. And he is a great eater! The doctor said if Josh could hold his head up when we went for his four month shots in March, that he would give us permission to feed Josh cereal at his next appointment. And Josh can hold his head up. We are also anticipating at his next appointment that the doctor will start backing off of Josh's caffeine in preparation to take him off his monitor. The goal is to have him off the monitor at six months. It is coming and I am so excited!

Josh has quite the personality. He is at such a fun age right now. He plays games, and is learning to love, and play, with his toys. Now he can focus and he recognizes things. He will smile when he sees us come in his view. He loves a few shows on the Disney Channel. And he makes sounds now. He tries so hard to talk to us. He will just coo and coo. We have also learned that we can make him giggle when you play with him or if you tickle him. It is so cute.

Another big thing for us is routine. Josh has gotten very used to a routine. He goes to bed around 10 at night. He will sleep until sometime between 4 and 6. Josh no longer hates baths or diaper changes. He has even gotten used to his diaper and wardrobe changing. He will help us by pulling up his legs so we can take them out of his outfits. And he will help pull his arms out of his sleeves when we change his clothes. I swear, our little boy is so smart!

I am at the point where I know I will be ready to think about another baby soon. I told Matt just this evening that I wanted another little boy. And wouldn't you know, he wants a girl. We do want to wait until Josh is a little over. We both believe that we will know when the time is right. Right now we are going to enjoy this time with just Joshua. He will be cutting teeth and crawling and walking before we know it!

A quarter of a year

I can't believe that Josh is three months old! Yesterday our little boy was 3 months old! It was a great day for me. Each day I realize more and more how blessed and lucky we are to have Josh. He truly has blessed our lives in so many ways. I can't wait to see what the next years hold for all of us.

I love how Josh changes. So much is new and different with him each day. I love to see him learn new things. It is a bittersweet feeling, though. I am having to come to term with the fact that my little boy won't be little for long. He is now around 10 pounds. I already am finding myself not wanting him to wear certain outfits because they make him look like a "big boy." Some times I recognize the need for him to grow up. And I want him to walk and talk. But then other times I want him to be small for just a little longer so I can always hold him. I want to share those sweet little moments with him, like when I hold him to feed him and he rubs my hands or grabs my hair. And for the past 5 nights he has slept through the night! That is a big milestone. We are so proud of our little monkey boy!

My healing process has continued and gotten better. Matt and I watched the 19 Kids and Counting special about the birth of the nineteenth Duggar baby, who was also a preemie. Seeing someone else go through what I went through makes it a little easier to deal with what I had to go through because I know I am not alone. There was a lot of crying during that show. Someone was able to put into words how I felt. But afterwards, I felt better. I was able to grieve in a different way and it brought me further in my healing process.

I can see how far I have come in three months. I see how far we all have come. What is important to me is to stay positive. I try not to be bitter or angry, and a lot of those feelings have left me. And I definitely do not worry about feeling cheated. I try to focus on all the positives; like the fact that we got to meet our little boy 6 weeks early. And how he has grown healthy and strong. Josh is a determined little fighter. He gets that from his parents! I try to focus on the many ways he is blessing our lives. And I know there will be other chances to experience the whole shebang. There will be other Baird babies in the future. Matt and I hope to have two more children, unless Baird baby two goes through similar problems as Josh did. We are blessed and it will be a great future. I can't wait!

It's going to be a great year

Things are going well for all of us. It still feels surreal to have him at home. We love him being here with us. I think having Josh in the NICU for so long has caused Matt and me to be a little more protective than we would have been. Now don't get me wrong, he is our first child so we would have been protective regardless. But him spending so long in the NICU has caused us to realize how fragile he is. If Matt could put Josh in a bubble I think he would.

Josh had a doctors appointment today for his two month shots (just a couple weeks late). He did so well with his shots. He cried for a few seconds and then stopped. We got a great report at the doc's today. Josh is now 9 pounds and 20 1/2 inches long! We are so pleased that he is growing so well. He will be ten pounds before we know it! If Josh does not get sick, we do not have to go back to the doctor until he gets his four month shots in the middle of March.

The beginning of this week has been a cause for celebration for Matt, Josh, and me. Yesterday marks the day that Josh was at home for more than he was in the hospital. He was in the NICU for 38 days, and yesterday marked day 39 that he was home with us! I was so excited. It's amazing what kind of things you mark after your child has been in the hospital for so long.

Having Josh in the hospital for so long has caused us to appreciate the little things even more. Not that a first time parent does not enjoy all the firsts; I think Matt and I just appreciate them a little more. We take notice of everything. Our little booger has such a personality. He loves to swing and spend time in his bouncy seat. Joshua also loves to watch TV and listen to music. Josh will move his head and body to the beat of the music. And if you sit Josh on your lap he can bounce himself. He is so precious when he does that! Josh is sleeping well, almost through the night now. I love the looks he gives us. He smiles a whole lot at his mommy and daddy. Josh has gotten better when we change his diaper. Now if he could just learn to enjoy his bath. Josh is also out of his preemie outfits, and almost out of his newborn outfits. He is heading into 0-3 months which makes Mommy so proud!

This past Saturday, Matt's family threw Josh his shower. It was late, but better late than never. And it worked out perfect to do it this way. How many babies can say that they attended one of their own showers. I am glad some more of Matt's family members were finally able to meet Josh. We all had a great time. Josh got a lot of neat gifts. I was so excited that they wanted to do that for us. The shower was especially good for me. I missed my showers. The first one was scheduled for the day Josh was born. This was a chance for me to heal. This really was the strong beginning of my healing process. I had felt bitter and cheated for so long about the circumstances around Josh's birth. And now, I got to experience something every other pregnant woman has. I really needed that.

This year, so far, has been a turning point for Matt and me. Last year was so rough for us in many ways. But this year is going to be different. I keep reminding myself that attitude is everything. But even if we hit as many rough spots as we did last year, we still have each other. We also have Josh. And all that matters is that he is happy and healthy. And he brings so much joy to our lives.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I always love the holidays. It is so much fun spending that time with friends and family. After Christmas and New Years are over, I find myself feeling bummed out because it is another whole year before they come back. I just love the feelings I get during the holiday season. I really wish every day could be like Christmas!

Anyway, I was even more bummed out this year when the holidays left. I think it was because I did not have as much time to prepare and enjoy the holidays this year. So much time was wrapped up with Josh at the hospital and worrying about him. I was not able to worry about shopping and decorating the house like I wanted to. Matt and I have already decided that next year we are going all out! I cannot wait.

But in some ways this was the best holiday season ever. Josh was at home for Christmas! He came home December 10th, so Matt and I had Christmas two weeks early, and we definitely got the best Christmas present ever! It was also the first Christmas we had spent married, since we got married right after the new year in 2009. It was so wonderful to spend Christmas with our families and to have Josh there too.

This holiday season has caused me to have a lot of surreal feelings. I can't believe I am here and that my life has ended up like it has. Everything has happened so fast for us. I never expected that our first Christmas married we would already have a child. I don't even think I was expecting to be pregnant our first Christmas as a married couple. I guess that is the beauty of God's plan! Everything happens the way it is supposed to. Our one year anniversary was this past Sunday. I was sitting on the couch that night with Josh in my arms and I just started crying. I really never expected that on the night of our one year anniversay I would be sitting on the couch holding our two month old son. I figured we would be out celebrating. But it was so much better this way! Josh is a beautiful blessing in our lives!

2009 was a year of rough patches, but also a year of some of the most beautiful moments in my life. Matt and I experienced some tough moments this past year. I can look back at the year and see how much I have grown. I am thankful for the growth and thankful for the tests in my life that God brought me through and that made me stronger. I am even more thankful for the good moments this year: I am thankful for my husband and our wedding, for the beautiful baby God created through us in March, I am thankful for graduating with my Master's degree this past May (hopefully this is my last degree), and for the birth of our son in November and the blessing he has been to us this past two months.

I can't wait to see what this new year will bring. The new year really is a great time for a new beginning. A chance to start fresh. For me, it is the chance to have a fresh, positive outlook and attitude on life. It is a chance to vow to do things differently. I welcome whatever 2010 can bring. Even if 2010 is easier than last year when I faced so many tests and trials, I don't think it could be a better year. So much happened in 2009 that I am thankful for. I wish everyone a very happy new year and pray that God blesses you all during your new year.