Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I always love the holidays. It is so much fun spending that time with friends and family. After Christmas and New Years are over, I find myself feeling bummed out because it is another whole year before they come back. I just love the feelings I get during the holiday season. I really wish every day could be like Christmas!

Anyway, I was even more bummed out this year when the holidays left. I think it was because I did not have as much time to prepare and enjoy the holidays this year. So much time was wrapped up with Josh at the hospital and worrying about him. I was not able to worry about shopping and decorating the house like I wanted to. Matt and I have already decided that next year we are going all out! I cannot wait.

But in some ways this was the best holiday season ever. Josh was at home for Christmas! He came home December 10th, so Matt and I had Christmas two weeks early, and we definitely got the best Christmas present ever! It was also the first Christmas we had spent married, since we got married right after the new year in 2009. It was so wonderful to spend Christmas with our families and to have Josh there too.

This holiday season has caused me to have a lot of surreal feelings. I can't believe I am here and that my life has ended up like it has. Everything has happened so fast for us. I never expected that our first Christmas married we would already have a child. I don't even think I was expecting to be pregnant our first Christmas as a married couple. I guess that is the beauty of God's plan! Everything happens the way it is supposed to. Our one year anniversary was this past Sunday. I was sitting on the couch that night with Josh in my arms and I just started crying. I really never expected that on the night of our one year anniversay I would be sitting on the couch holding our two month old son. I figured we would be out celebrating. But it was so much better this way! Josh is a beautiful blessing in our lives!

2009 was a year of rough patches, but also a year of some of the most beautiful moments in my life. Matt and I experienced some tough moments this past year. I can look back at the year and see how much I have grown. I am thankful for the growth and thankful for the tests in my life that God brought me through and that made me stronger. I am even more thankful for the good moments this year: I am thankful for my husband and our wedding, for the beautiful baby God created through us in March, I am thankful for graduating with my Master's degree this past May (hopefully this is my last degree), and for the birth of our son in November and the blessing he has been to us this past two months.

I can't wait to see what this new year will bring. The new year really is a great time for a new beginning. A chance to start fresh. For me, it is the chance to have a fresh, positive outlook and attitude on life. It is a chance to vow to do things differently. I welcome whatever 2010 can bring. Even if 2010 is easier than last year when I faced so many tests and trials, I don't think it could be a better year. So much happened in 2009 that I am thankful for. I wish everyone a very happy new year and pray that God blesses you all during your new year.

The Best Christmas Ever

Things are going well here. We love having Josh at home with us. It has been an adjustment for us to get used to Josh's schedule. Getting up at night can be tiring, but I don't think either of us would trade it for the world. Josh belongs at home and it feels right having him here with us. Our family is complete, well until our second child makes his or her entrance into the world in a couple of years.

I find it funny that I am mentioning having another child. It is not something I want to do within the next year and a half, but having another baby in two years would be fine with me. After we came home from the hospital I was adament that I did not want to even think about baby Baird number two. As far as I was concerned, baby Baird number two was not in the cards. I realize now that it was my emotions talking. I was in pain from the c-section. I also felt bitter that Josh's birth did not go as planned. I was mad I did not experience true labor and that I had to have a c-section. The biggest part was that I was broken hearted from having to leave my first child in the NICU for so long. I knew I would not be able to go through that again. Thank goodness that I asked my OB/GYN for some statistics on preeclampsia. There is only a 12-15% chance that it will happen a second time. The majority of preeclampsia cases show up in the first or last birth. So I think my odds are good.

Needless to say, Matt was surprised to hear me say two weeks after the birth of our son that I wanted to have another. I could deal with having another c-section. The pain was not that bad. And Josh will need a sibling. I do not want him to be an only child. He is already spoiled enough as it is. And Matt really wants a girl. I would be fine having another boy. And depend upon how the second one goes will determine if we have a third. I always said I wanted three children: 2 boys and 1 girl. I know that God will provide when and how He sees fit. I imagine, though, that our life will contain at least one more child. But that is another story for another day way in the future.

Now, back to Josh. He is so wonderful. Josh really is a good baby. He has quite the personality. He also has a temper. He gets easily frustrated. It appears that he is stubborn and pretty independent. I am afraid he gets a lot of these traits from his mother; he comes by it honestly. But Matt exhibits some of these traits as well, so Josh had no chance. We learned last night that Josh will pretend to cry after we have put him to bed at night and we have gone to our room. He hates to be alone, and so after he realizes he is alone he will cry just a little. Then he stops and waits. Then he cries again a little longer and louder. And then he stops to see if we are coming for him. We were listening to this on the monitor last night. It is absolutely hilarious.

I am excited, and ready, for Christmas. I was just telling Matt the other day that this Christmas hasn't been like other ones. I haven't had as much time to prepare and anticipate it. Christmas has been on the back burner. Josh was our priority while he was in the hospital. He did not come home until December 10. Once he got home, he was the priority here and we had to get adjusted to having him here. But on the plus side, I have not gone out in the crowds as much as I have in previous years! Even though I did not get as much time to enjoy our Christmas tree, Christmas music, and other Christmas traditions, I am the most excited I have ever been. This is my first Christmas married, and my first Christmas as a mother, and our first Christmas as a family, and my oldest child's first Christmas! This is wonderful! This really will be a great Christmas; maybe one of the best ever. And Josh coming home was the best Christmas present ever; it just came two weeks early, but that is fine with me. I feel so blessed and thankful to have him here with us. And I am excited to see what this Christmas holds for us!

Josh's first week at home

The fifth time was the charm! Josh came home with us last Thursday. It was a wonderful day for us. Last Wednesday night we had the opportunity to spend the night in the hospital and room in with Josh. Matt and I chose to do that so wwe could get comfortable with the monitor Josh has to wear for his apnea. In the hospital we had access to a nurse if we needed one. Matt and I made it through the night with no problems. It was wonderful to spend that first night with our son!

Things have been wonderful at home with our newest addition at home with us where he belongs! He has adjusted so well. Josh already had a schedule he followed from the NICU. He has changed his feeding habits a bit, but now that we have increased his feedings the schedule is practically back to normal. Josh sleeps and eats well.

Josh loves his room. He has gotten to be introduced to a lot of new things since being at home. Two days ago he got into his bouncy seat for the first time. He loves to bounce! The vibrator in the seat makes him cry though. He does love the music, but he looks at the toys on the toy bar like they are stupid. Hopefully when he gets bigger he will enjoy playing with them.

Josh also has spent time with his grandparents since he has been home. Matt's parents have come to see him twice. Josh loves having visitors. Josh also has gone to my parent's house since he has been home. He rides so well in the car. And going to my parent's house introduced Josh to the five greyhounds. The dogs seem to love Josh. Jake even gave Josh a kiss. And I love that Josh does not seem to mind the dogs at all.

We took Josh to his first doctor's appointment on Monday. Matt and I absolutely love Josh's doctor. Everything was good with Josh. On Monday he weighed close to 6 pounds. The doctor said we could increase Josh's feedings. Josh now eats 3 ounces about every 3 and a half hours. We go back to see Josh's doctor on January 7. Josh will be getting his two month shots then. I know it will break my heart to see him get those shots.

Things have been wonderful having Josh at home. It has taken some adjustments to learn what his cries mean. Thank goodness he doesn't cry much. Matt and I both have had a tough time adjusting on a little less sleep. We are learning how to sleep when Josh sleeps. We have a great time when we spend time with Josh. He brings us so much joy. I love watching his smiles, his facial expressions, and when his eyes light up. I am so protective of him. I always knew I would be a protective mother, but it is so much harder since Josh was premature and he spend so much time in the NICU. It is so much worse since we are in the middle of flu season. I don't want Josh to get sick. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to have him here with us. When we left the hospital with Josh last Thursday I cried. I was so happy to be coming home with our little boy. We waited so long for him to be coming home and it was finally happening. It was one of the best days of my life. I am looking forward to what this journey with Josh will bring to Matt and I. We plan to enjoy this Christmas with our special and precious little boy.

Maybe the fifth time is the charm

Last week when I wrote I was excited because Josh should have been home in a few days. Well, of course, that did not work out like it should have. Josh is not home where he belongs yet. I spoke with the doctor this morning and he said hopefully Wednesday or Thurday. Today marks the fifth time someone has said that Josh will be coming home on a certain day; hopefully this time will be right. I am getting pretty sick of people saying he will be home at this time, and then it doesn't work out. I just want my little boy home. I don't understand what is so hard about this: if there is any chance something could come up then don't say anything until you know for sure. We are getting sick of hearing that Josh will be coming home in two or three days just to learn later that isn't the case. It would be much better for me if I were to walk in the NICU one day and a nurse or doctor were to say that tomorrow will definitely be the day. That would make me happy.

This has been incredibly rough on us. You can't even imagine what this is like until you go through this yourself. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I keep asking Matt why we have to go through this. It isn't at all fair. I want to know what God wants me to learn from this. I don't understand why God allowed this to happen. I feel like I have caused this, and maybe, I could have done something to prevent this. Some days it just breaks my heart to have to go into the NICU and see Josh there. He belongs at home with us.

It doesn't help that we have a stubborn little boy. He has been in the NICU for so long getting spoiled by the nurses. For a little while he was the only baby in the NICU. It's like each time he hears someone say he is almost ready to go home, he makes something else go wrong. He doesn't want to leave his nurses and all the attention he has been getting. Right now he is the only male in the NICU until the doctors come in. He is surrounded by female nurses and three other paatients that are little girls. This makes Matt proud that his little boy already has women all over him.

Josh's problems right now deal with stomach issues. He is spitting up more often then they would like him to. He is not spitting up as much now that they changed his formula, but they feel like he should not be spitting up on the formula he is on. They are hoping being strictly breastfed won't cause him to spit up. But to be cautious they are running an acid reflux test. If it comes back positive they will put Josh on Xantac. If the test is negative, they will assume Josh is just one of those babies who spit up. I am glad that they are trying to figure that out. I do not want Josh to come home spitting up all the time and all over everything.

Josh did fail his sleep test last week. He had an episode of apnea that lasted 18 seconds. That concerned the doctors so they wanted him to go through the weekend with no apnea or bradycardia symptoms. He made it from Wednesday to Friday, but then he started having some drops with his breathing. These coincided with his new round of spitting up. The nurses determined that they were related to the spitting up and could not be documented as apnea or bradycardia. Josh did have one drop unrelated to spitting up on Saturday night, but it was very brief. He has not had one since. The doctor said he was very impressed that Josh only had one true drop between Wednesday afternoon and Monday morning. He said if Josh didn't have stomach issues, they would be releasing him today. The good news is that Josh should grow out of the apnea.

This has been a rough ride, but hopefully it is almost over. We are just anxious to get Josh home. It feels like we are almost at the end of this horrible nightmare. My life hasn't even felt like my life. This all feels like a horrible dream, a dream that I am ready to end. It should be over this week. And I will be so happy that I am one of those women leaving the hospital with my baby. Then the three of us can start our new life together. We will be able to make lots of new memories. It will be so fun to watch him grow up. I am a little discouraged with the situation. I am also very thankful, especially when I think about the two alternatives: Josh could not have made it or I could still be pregnant. I am so happy that he is here and healthy. And it was a nice surprise that he came early. We have had the chance to bond with our son and to get to know him. He is so beautiful and he has a precious personality. But we really can't wait to have him here with us. I would give up sleep every night if it meant he could be here with us.

Update on Everything

We are so excited. Josh will be coming home this week! If not tomorrow then probably Wednesday. I cannot tell you how good this feels. It is such a horrible feeling to be away from your baby, especially your new baby. It's even worse being away from him under these conditions and when he is first born. We should have had our baby at home with us, spending this last month bonding.

But our wait is almost over! Josh will be here soon. This past month has been busy and difficult. I can't believe it has been one month already. Tomorrow our little boy will be one month old! It would be even better if he was home to celebrate that with us! I am thankful that the doctors and nurses at the hospital have taken such good care of him. I have had the past month to rest and to get Josh's room ready.

I can't believe how much we had left to do when I went into labor! There were six weeks left and I thought I would get to take advantage of those six weeks. Everything is ready now though. Matt and I have been putting things together. This house looks so funny with the crib ready, the bouncy seat, the swing, and the play pen all put together and ready to go with no baby. We even tested out his baby monitor the other night. He absolutely has everything here he needs. We are so blessed! And even more blessed that our baby is okay.

Josh is doing so well. We are so proud of our little monkey. There have been good days and bad days. One of the NICU nurses warned us when Josh was less than a week old that there would be a few steps forward and then one or two backward. It has definitely been that way. We have seen him improve so much and then watched something discouraging happen. But Josh has fought hard to get to where he is. He has gained his weight. He is doing so much better with his breathing. Josh is a good eater and sleeper. And he is hardly fussy. We have such a good baby. And Josh is absolutely beautiful, and we are not just biased. He really is a beautiful baby.

The hardest part for me has been the whole experience of going back and forth to the hospital. I hate hospitals anyway, but it is hard to go see your child there. And it really isn't fair that we have only been spending a couple hours a day with our baby. The worst part for me is going into the hospital and seeing a woman being wheeled out with her newborn baby. I knew we would run into that and I have seen it about 4 times. I feel robbed that I didn't get that experience. But tomorrow or Wednesday I should be walking out of the hospital with my own baby, and for that I am incredibly thankful. Thankful for the fact that my baby is alive and healthy. Thankful that he is doing so well. Thankful that he is coming home to be with us where he belongs. And most importantly, thankful that I will not have to go to the hospital to see my baby and scrub down for two minutes just so I can touch him. But Josh is coming home this week and that is all that matters to us!

Life with Josh

Things have been hectic since Josh has arrived! We were not totally ready for Josh at home so we have been rushing to get ready for him at home. Once we get a diaper genie we will be finished! I can't wait to get him home and in his room where he belongs.

Josh is doing so well now. We are so proud of him. After his birth he went on the ventilator. He came off less than 12 hours later. The Monday after his birth they did a chest x-ray and found out he had pneumonia. He went back on the ventilator for a few days. He is now off and has been for more than a week and a half. After the ventilator he was on nasal oxygen for awhile. He has been off oxygen for three days and is doing wonderfully. He is gaining weight and now he is eating from a bottle. His feeding tube is out and everything is looking good. Our little boy just needs to gain weight so he can come home.

Matt and I got to hold him for the first time a week ago Sunday. That was one of the best moments of my life. He feels bigger than you think he would be. And he is so alert now. I am just amazed at how well he is doing. And I am so thankful that he is okay. I feel really blessed because this could have turned out badly. Today we get to feed him a bottle for the first time. The nurses are helping us get ready for him coming home. Joshua could be home for Thanksgiving. That would be the best thing in the world.

I am doing well. I have appreciated this chance to get to rest. I have healed up nicely from my c-section. Matt has been a wonderful help. I just wish I could have brought my little boy home with me. This has been really rough on me. The whole thing has been very hard. We went to the hospital that Saturday night not planning on staying. We weren't ready for Josh to come. And I feel a little cheated. I didn't get to experience real labor and I had to have a c-section. And now my child has spent two weeks and one day in the NICU and I imagine he will be there for at least another week. I felt so bad that he was so tiny. I have felt like all of this is my fault and that I could have done something more. No mother imagines the birth of their child, especially their first, happening like this. And everyone says I should be happy to have this time to rest, and I am thankful for it, but I would give anything to have Josh at home with us.

I am not going to dwell on what has happened. I am just thankful that he has come so far and is doing so well. And I have a lot to be thankful for. I can't wait for the day when he can come home. I know that day is coming soon. Please keep us in your prayers. Pray for Josh to get stronger and bigger.

Baby Josh is here!!

Baby Josh has decided to grace us with his presence! I was not at all expecting to have a baby before 34 weeks, and I honestly believe the doctors did not intend to let me deliver before 36 weeks. But Saturday night Josh had his own idea.

We knew Josh was ready to come out, just not this ready! Saturday I started having some bad cramping. It got worse as the day went on. Then Saturday evening back pain started and I was doubled over in pain late at night. Matt begged to take me to the ER. I finally agreed to go about 1 AM.

When we got to the ER they sent us straight up to labor and delivery. I was hooked up to monitors and found out that I was having bad contractions. They decided to run some tests. Dilating had just started and my cervix was more than halfway thinned out. They did a pre-term labor test which is the same one I had at my last appointment. It showed that Josh was going to come on his own within two weeks. They finally gave me some drugs and we were under the impression that they were going to stop the labor and send me home with pills.

Then they started to look and found out that I was at a high risk for preeclampsia. They diagnosed me with that and said we would have to deliver some time soon but they were keeping me in the hospital for a few days and then I would be sent home and put on bedrest until Josh came in a couple weeks. While we were waiting on a final decision we saw a second doctor from our office.

After much deliberation, both doctors decided I had to deliver then. Dr. Carter came in and told us around 8 Sunday morning that he needed to come and that we would have a baby by the end of the morning. I freaked out, but he said it needed to happen and that Josh would be okay.

They got things going and wheeled me down to the OR. They had a problem giving me the epidural. They tried four times. And boy was it painful! But once I was numb, I was good and numb. They cut me open and Josh came at 9:56 am on November 1, 2009. He was small, but the doctors said he looked good. We got to see him and then they took my baby to the NICU. He weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces and was 17 inches long. He is so adorable! I can't believe he is here. Welcome to the world Josh!