Today I am a new woman; a woman with options! Yesterday I had no options. But today, a new world of possibilities have been presented to me. A day really can change so much! This may not be a big deal to some, but it's a big deal to me.
I had my appointment with my OB today. If I haven't mentioned that I love my OB, well, now you know. She is remarkable! Switching and making her the provider of my female care was the best decision I made. I just felt I needed to get a new doctor after Joshua and his situation. It wasn't because I was mad at them or didn't trust them, although they did do me wrong. My decision was because of the bad memories I would have. God was looking out for me in this decision!
So we got some news today. My OB is pleased with my progress and she is encouraged that we are going to make it! Praise God! No signs of preeclampsia! Again, praise God! I had a physical exam today and am a little more than a centimeter dialated. My cervix is low and soft and getting ready to go. And then the surprising news: baby girl has dropped and is in birth position. My OB felt her head! My OB has scheduled my c-section for July 30 because medically she cannot schedule it sooner without a reason, and I am giving her no reason. On the 30th, I will be 39 weeks and 2 days, but she does not think I will go that long! She thinks I will surprise her, like I have been my whole pregnancy. She thinks I will go into labor on my own before the 30th.
So what does that mean? If I go into labor on my own and progress nicely, I may be able to have Rachel, actually give birth to her! If you know my story and experience with Josh, you know this is a big deal. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. It unnerves me that we know the day Rachel could be born, but that I may not make it to that point. I could go into labor any time really. My OB says it could be in about 3 weeks, which puts me at 37 1/2 weeks! Wow!
I am not trying to get my hopes up, but I can possibly have options now. And the best part is that these options can be on my terms. If labor gets too hard or I am not progressing like I would like to be, I can ask for the c-section. I have another appointment on July 9. We will talk about it more then. The doctor was going to check to make sure that my interior scar is horizontal because she wasn't sure since she didn't do it. If that scar is vertical, it throws my chances out the window. If my scar is horizontal then I think we need to talk about some pros and cons and some realistic goals and expectations for me to have if I go into labor on my own. If I don't go into labor by the 30th, then none of this is an issue.
If you know me well, you know this may have been difficult for me to hear. I am such a planner by nature. And the plan has been from the beginning to have a c-section. I have been dreading it, mainly the anesthesia, but have prepared myself because I have gotten through it before. I also have been telling myself that if I didn't have preeclampsia this time, then recovery would start out easier. I have prepared myself for the c-section so much that the thought of something else disrupted my planning nature. It was such a shock! Plus, this has been what I wanted so bad for so long, if it doesn't happen I don't want to be crushed. I don't want to go through 18 hours of labor, just for it to end in an emergency section. This is a decision that Matt and I will be talking about over the next few days. I don't have to try labor, but I might be able to. Stay tuned to see what happens.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
It's My Turn!
It's my turn! That's how I feel right now! I am next on the list of people I know to have a baby. Woo Hoo!
I didn't ever think I would get to this point, and I mean that in two ways. First of all, I thought I could possibly deliver before some of the ladies I know who had a due date before me. And secondly, this point at the end of June has taken forever to get here. I have been waiting for these friends, acquaintances, and family members to have their kids so my turn would be one step closer.
Boy, has it been a long wait! Since April, I have known 9 or 10 women whose due dates have come and gone. I have anxiously awaited the birth of their babies, like I have been awaiting the birth of my own. Each baby born was one more ticked off the list; one step closer to Rachel's turn. And I am next on the list. Anytime in the next 5 weeks, I will enter an OR with Rachel in my belly, and I will come out with a precious, little angel in my arms. This is what I have been waiting for.
It felt really good last week to realize my time is coming. 4-5 weeks feels so close, but yet so far. It feels so far because I know what it would mean for my second miracle baby if she were born now. But her brother made it, and I know she could too. But the one piece of good news is I am past the point of steroid shots being beneficial to us if a problem were to arise. Baby girl's lungs would be able to function and will be fully formed by 35 weeks (Saturday), they just need more practice!
Last week, on the 20th, my cousin's wife and a friend of mine both had their first babies on the same day. They were the last two before me. I was ecstatic for them, and then it sunk in: I won't be watching and waiting for news of anyone else having a baby because next it will be me! I know several women who are due after me: 4 to be exact. I told Matt that I hope they don't go before me because this is my turn. Plus, I would be worried for them, knowing that it would be too early for these babies.
The best thing about all of this is realizing the gift I have been given. I watched most of these friends of mine announce their pregnancies. I was always happy, never jealous. But part of me was wondering if I would ever have another biological child; if I should even consider or try to do that. I told God if He wanted me to have another baby, He needed to make it happen. And through this pregnancy He has taught me to trust, and I have a deeper faith. Here I am at almost 34 1/2 weeks, almost 2 weeks further than I went with Josh and all I can say is I am blessed. I didn't do anything to get here. He is watching out for us. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we will see what we find out about our miracle, Rachel!
I didn't ever think I would get to this point, and I mean that in two ways. First of all, I thought I could possibly deliver before some of the ladies I know who had a due date before me. And secondly, this point at the end of June has taken forever to get here. I have been waiting for these friends, acquaintances, and family members to have their kids so my turn would be one step closer.
Boy, has it been a long wait! Since April, I have known 9 or 10 women whose due dates have come and gone. I have anxiously awaited the birth of their babies, like I have been awaiting the birth of my own. Each baby born was one more ticked off the list; one step closer to Rachel's turn. And I am next on the list. Anytime in the next 5 weeks, I will enter an OR with Rachel in my belly, and I will come out with a precious, little angel in my arms. This is what I have been waiting for.
It felt really good last week to realize my time is coming. 4-5 weeks feels so close, but yet so far. It feels so far because I know what it would mean for my second miracle baby if she were born now. But her brother made it, and I know she could too. But the one piece of good news is I am past the point of steroid shots being beneficial to us if a problem were to arise. Baby girl's lungs would be able to function and will be fully formed by 35 weeks (Saturday), they just need more practice!
Last week, on the 20th, my cousin's wife and a friend of mine both had their first babies on the same day. They were the last two before me. I was ecstatic for them, and then it sunk in: I won't be watching and waiting for news of anyone else having a baby because next it will be me! I know several women who are due after me: 4 to be exact. I told Matt that I hope they don't go before me because this is my turn. Plus, I would be worried for them, knowing that it would be too early for these babies.
The best thing about all of this is realizing the gift I have been given. I watched most of these friends of mine announce their pregnancies. I was always happy, never jealous. But part of me was wondering if I would ever have another biological child; if I should even consider or try to do that. I told God if He wanted me to have another baby, He needed to make it happen. And through this pregnancy He has taught me to trust, and I have a deeper faith. Here I am at almost 34 1/2 weeks, almost 2 weeks further than I went with Josh and all I can say is I am blessed. I didn't do anything to get here. He is watching out for us. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we will see what we find out about our miracle, Rachel!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Life at 33 1/2 weeks
Things have been busy the past few weeks. I guess there are two big pieces of news to share. First and foremost, I have been commissioned!! It has been a long, hard road, but I made it. I appreciate the love, support, and prayers of everyone along this journey. Last week at Annual Conference (Sunday - Wednesday) on the last day, I was commissioned with my peers. It was a beautiful and humbling experience. I thoroughly enjoyed the service. I enjoyed seeing some friends of mine get ordained, and felt hopeful knowing that I will be there in a few years. My experience was made even more beautiful by feeling my precious daughter moving around. It's like she knew it was a special day for me. I was pregnant with Josh at seminary graduation and I shared my commissioning experience with little Ms. Rachel. I am extremely blessed. What big surprises will I have when I get ordained?
The second piece of big news: I am 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and STILL pregnant. I am currently pregnant now longer than I was with Josh by 6 days. Last week when I reached the day where I gave birth to Josh, there were a lot of tears. Tears over Josh being born early and everything he had to go through. Tears over the early ending of that pregnancy. And then on Friday, when I had been pregnant one day longer, there were overwhelming tears of joy. I felt joy and blessed and humbled. I was so thankful to still be pregnant, and blessed that it appears there is no reason Rachel should come early.
Overall, I still feel good. That is such a relief, especially since I felt so bad while I was pregnant with Josh. I am dealing with some minor inconveniences that I missed out on with Josh. I get up at least 2 times every night to go to the bathroom, but normally, it is closer to 4 times a night. I am experiencing horrid heartburn and some uncomfortable, pretty constant back pain, which is on top of the sciatica I was already experiencing. But these later pregnancy problems are worth it if I can carry Rachel close to term.
My next appointment is a week from today. After that appointment, I will go to the doctor weekly and can probably expect to have weekly non-stress tests. My OB originally said she would deliver me around 39 weeks. The exact date appears to be between 38 1/2 and 39 1/2 weeks (Somewhere between July 25 and August 1). But if the non-stress tests show us that Rachel needs to come earlier, my doctor won't hesitate to deliver her at 37 or 38 if she has to. So we have not scheduled my delivery yet, but I am hoping to have an idea soon. I am also hoping to see Rachel at my next appointment to see how big she is. I have also been wondering if I have dialated or effaced any. At my 31 week appointment with Josh the process had already started. I will be certain to update after my appointment next week. Until then.
The second piece of big news: I am 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and STILL pregnant. I am currently pregnant now longer than I was with Josh by 6 days. Last week when I reached the day where I gave birth to Josh, there were a lot of tears. Tears over Josh being born early and everything he had to go through. Tears over the early ending of that pregnancy. And then on Friday, when I had been pregnant one day longer, there were overwhelming tears of joy. I felt joy and blessed and humbled. I was so thankful to still be pregnant, and blessed that it appears there is no reason Rachel should come early.
Overall, I still feel good. That is such a relief, especially since I felt so bad while I was pregnant with Josh. I am dealing with some minor inconveniences that I missed out on with Josh. I get up at least 2 times every night to go to the bathroom, but normally, it is closer to 4 times a night. I am experiencing horrid heartburn and some uncomfortable, pretty constant back pain, which is on top of the sciatica I was already experiencing. But these later pregnancy problems are worth it if I can carry Rachel close to term.
My next appointment is a week from today. After that appointment, I will go to the doctor weekly and can probably expect to have weekly non-stress tests. My OB originally said she would deliver me around 39 weeks. The exact date appears to be between 38 1/2 and 39 1/2 weeks (Somewhere between July 25 and August 1). But if the non-stress tests show us that Rachel needs to come earlier, my doctor won't hesitate to deliver her at 37 or 38 if she has to. So we have not scheduled my delivery yet, but I am hoping to have an idea soon. I am also hoping to see Rachel at my next appointment to see how big she is. I have also been wondering if I have dialated or effaced any. At my 31 week appointment with Josh the process had already started. I will be certain to update after my appointment next week. Until then.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Delivery Expectations
We have been thinking a lot about Rachel's delivery. I have been trying to plan as much as I can. If you know me well, this will make sense to you. I am a planner. I want to know as much as I can ahead of time. We did not have that luxury with Joshua. Nothing was planned. We went into the hospital on Saturday night/Sunday morning around 12:30 AM and Josh was born just before 10 AM. We thought we would only be spending a few days at the hospital, and that Josh would come early, but not that early. Boy, were we in for a shock!
I have heard many people talk about the importance of a birthplan, and mine was not followed at all last time due to our dire circumstances. My OB encouraged me to still come up with one for this pregnancy. We know the mode of delivery, but so much more goes into this. At my appointment on Wednesday, I decided that the best way to come up with these minute details of my birthplan was to talk to my OB about what happened during my last c-section. I really needed some clarification about my experience. I particularly wanted to know what I experienced because of preeclampsia, and what is standard c-section procedure at our local hospital. This came to my mind after talking with other women who had c-sections and reading about experiences online. I began to see that a lot of what I dealt with was not considered standard for a section. It was a very informative and helpful conversation. I was able to talk about some of the things I didn't like last time and to understand why I experienced some of it. For example, I was closed up with staples last time, and I heard from other women it is better with stitches, so my doctor will use stitches. My OB says this should be a very different experience. She recognizes that my last experience was not normal and on top of giving birth to a preemie, the section and everything was not a good experience. At least now my OB knows my wishes and she is going to do her best to keep my plan.
During this pregnancy, a lot of my time has been spent thinking about my delivery. I will be honest, I have spent a lot of time dreading this repeat section and being afraid. But I feel better after my conversation with the doctor. I know a lot of what happened last time may not need to happen this time. I am still apprehensive about having the spinal. That was not a pleasant experience for me. But when I think about where we are headed, I feel pure joy. What matters is that Rachel gets here the safest way possible and that she is as healthy as possible. And right now, we have every reason to believe that she will not be here until the end of July. I can't explain how happy I will be if we carry her to term. When they pull her out and I see her, nothing else will matter; not the spinal, not the surgery, nothing. What will matter is having a healthy baby girl that will leave the hospital with us. I will have accomplished so much of what I missed last time. The feelings will be nothing but pure joy, relief, and accomplishment. And I know when I leave the hospital with that baby girl in my arms I will cry tears of joy because I don't have to hurt the way I hurt last time. It will be a great thing. And I am so excited knowing that is just around the corner! Some women talk about being proud of their c-section scar. I never have been. My scar from Josh has been a bad reminder; a reminder of pain, grief, and distress. I know without that scar my little boy would not be here. But if Rachel goes to term and comes home with us, that scar will have turned from bad to good. It will be a badge of honor; finally something I can be proud of.
I can't wait to see what the coming months hold for us. Rachel could be here two months from today! That is unreal. If not in two months, then a week after at the most! I will just be so happy to have her here. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her. And I know that no matter when she comes, or how, that she is in God's hands just like our little boy was. That is a promise I do not doubt. God will never leave my baby girl.
I have heard many people talk about the importance of a birthplan, and mine was not followed at all last time due to our dire circumstances. My OB encouraged me to still come up with one for this pregnancy. We know the mode of delivery, but so much more goes into this. At my appointment on Wednesday, I decided that the best way to come up with these minute details of my birthplan was to talk to my OB about what happened during my last c-section. I really needed some clarification about my experience. I particularly wanted to know what I experienced because of preeclampsia, and what is standard c-section procedure at our local hospital. This came to my mind after talking with other women who had c-sections and reading about experiences online. I began to see that a lot of what I dealt with was not considered standard for a section. It was a very informative and helpful conversation. I was able to talk about some of the things I didn't like last time and to understand why I experienced some of it. For example, I was closed up with staples last time, and I heard from other women it is better with stitches, so my doctor will use stitches. My OB says this should be a very different experience. She recognizes that my last experience was not normal and on top of giving birth to a preemie, the section and everything was not a good experience. At least now my OB knows my wishes and she is going to do her best to keep my plan.
During this pregnancy, a lot of my time has been spent thinking about my delivery. I will be honest, I have spent a lot of time dreading this repeat section and being afraid. But I feel better after my conversation with the doctor. I know a lot of what happened last time may not need to happen this time. I am still apprehensive about having the spinal. That was not a pleasant experience for me. But when I think about where we are headed, I feel pure joy. What matters is that Rachel gets here the safest way possible and that she is as healthy as possible. And right now, we have every reason to believe that she will not be here until the end of July. I can't explain how happy I will be if we carry her to term. When they pull her out and I see her, nothing else will matter; not the spinal, not the surgery, nothing. What will matter is having a healthy baby girl that will leave the hospital with us. I will have accomplished so much of what I missed last time. The feelings will be nothing but pure joy, relief, and accomplishment. And I know when I leave the hospital with that baby girl in my arms I will cry tears of joy because I don't have to hurt the way I hurt last time. It will be a great thing. And I am so excited knowing that is just around the corner! Some women talk about being proud of their c-section scar. I never have been. My scar from Josh has been a bad reminder; a reminder of pain, grief, and distress. I know without that scar my little boy would not be here. But if Rachel goes to term and comes home with us, that scar will have turned from bad to good. It will be a badge of honor; finally something I can be proud of.
I can't wait to see what the coming months hold for us. Rachel could be here two months from today! That is unreal. If not in two months, then a week after at the most! I will just be so happy to have her here. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her. And I know that no matter when she comes, or how, that she is in God's hands just like our little boy was. That is a promise I do not doubt. God will never leave my baby girl.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Miss Rachel
What is new with our little angel girl? Well, I don't know as much as I wish I did. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had another OB appointment. I was hoping for an ultrasound, but I did not receive one because I received so many early and our insurance will only cover so many. So I will receive one in two weeks. Most women love seeing their little baby on ultrasound, but I have a particular interest in it. Rachel's size means everything to me. It is what gives me hope. Rachel has measured a little ahead the entire time. Babies that measure ahead do not typically have preeclampsia. We know all about that first hand. When we gave birth to Josh at 32 weeks and 5 days, Joshua weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces. He should have weighed around 4 1/2 pounds. It is surreal to me just thinking that in a week or 10 days (in the 31 week range), I should be carrying a baby that weighs more than the boy I gave birth to 2 1/2 years ago.
We had a successful visit. Rachel is doing well. And Mommy is fine too. I have still been given the okay to go to Annual Conference for commissioning. We will see what my appointment in two weeks holds! This was the first time I saw my OB since my hospital visit the other Friday. We discussed all my tests and blood work. She was very pleased. At one point in time I found myself wondering why we keep redoing all these tests. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a doctor who knows what she is doing and who is so cautious. But I am so cautious also, and I really hate this expectation for something to go wrong that has been clouding this pregnancy. This is likely my last pregnancy. I should enjoy it while I can, because I know me and one day I will say that I miss it!
I am floored that I will be 30 weeks on Saturday! This one has gone fast! There was a time when I wondered if I would even make it this far. The expectation among some doctors and researchers is that if you have a bad case of preeclampsia then you will get it again, and likely even earlier. My case of preeclampsia was not one of the worst. I did not develop eclampsia or HELLP syndrome, but it was serious, serious enough to schedule a c-section because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke if I had gone into labor with Joshua. Each day and week further along that I make it with Rachel is good news. I am thankful for each day. And right now, I am thankful for the normal pregnancy I am being blessed with after such a horrible experience with preeclampsia.
Tomorrow (Friday) will be two months to the day of the earliest possible day my OB will deliver Rachel; if there are no complications that require an earlier delivery. Rachel could be here in 60 days and probably no later than 70 days! That is just around the corner! I am so excited! I can't wait to meet her, hold her, kiss her, to introduce her to her brother, and to just be thankful for God's blessing to our family. Our family will really be complete when she is here. One little boy and one little girl; both equally miraculous and both a reflection of the Father's goodness and faithfulness. In the meantime, I will try to enjoy the last weeks of my last pregnancy. These are the days I missed out on last time. I don't know if someone can really enjoy excessive heartburn and 4 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I am sure going to try! I felt robbed last time, so I am going to be like a sponge and soak up everything I can!
We had a successful visit. Rachel is doing well. And Mommy is fine too. I have still been given the okay to go to Annual Conference for commissioning. We will see what my appointment in two weeks holds! This was the first time I saw my OB since my hospital visit the other Friday. We discussed all my tests and blood work. She was very pleased. At one point in time I found myself wondering why we keep redoing all these tests. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a doctor who knows what she is doing and who is so cautious. But I am so cautious also, and I really hate this expectation for something to go wrong that has been clouding this pregnancy. This is likely my last pregnancy. I should enjoy it while I can, because I know me and one day I will say that I miss it!
I am floored that I will be 30 weeks on Saturday! This one has gone fast! There was a time when I wondered if I would even make it this far. The expectation among some doctors and researchers is that if you have a bad case of preeclampsia then you will get it again, and likely even earlier. My case of preeclampsia was not one of the worst. I did not develop eclampsia or HELLP syndrome, but it was serious, serious enough to schedule a c-section because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke if I had gone into labor with Joshua. Each day and week further along that I make it with Rachel is good news. I am thankful for each day. And right now, I am thankful for the normal pregnancy I am being blessed with after such a horrible experience with preeclampsia.
Tomorrow (Friday) will be two months to the day of the earliest possible day my OB will deliver Rachel; if there are no complications that require an earlier delivery. Rachel could be here in 60 days and probably no later than 70 days! That is just around the corner! I am so excited! I can't wait to meet her, hold her, kiss her, to introduce her to her brother, and to just be thankful for God's blessing to our family. Our family will really be complete when she is here. One little boy and one little girl; both equally miraculous and both a reflection of the Father's goodness and faithfulness. In the meantime, I will try to enjoy the last weeks of my last pregnancy. These are the days I missed out on last time. I don't know if someone can really enjoy excessive heartburn and 4 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I am sure going to try! I felt robbed last time, so I am going to be like a sponge and soak up everything I can!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Children
My husband and I were talking about the future the other day. As humans, why can't we leave the future alone? My experience has been that I make plans, and God must find my plans humorous because they hardly ever come out the way I want them to. My plans change as I seek to follow God's will. So anyway, we were discussing the future the other night; one particular part of the future. We were lying in bed after Matt got home from work (he works second shift) so it was around 12:30, and I said to him, "I can't believe I might be pregnant for the last time." We talked about that for just a moment, but we drifted off to sleep. The next day I mentioned our discussion again, about deciding whether or not we would have more. I told my husband we needed to make a decision. He looked at me and said, "Two's enough. For now. Isn't it?" I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. I probably had just as much confusion in mine. We have never been the parents of two children before. We don't know what to expect!
I have always envisioned that I would be the mom of three children. Growing up I was one of two and I wished so badly that I came from a big family. I wanted more siblings, particularly a brother. Matt and I talked before we got married and we felt like three children was a good number. But as I said, I make plans and God laughs. I have begun to wonder about having more children because I need to think about whether I want my tubes tied. I will be having another c-section and if I want it done, that is the time to do it. After some discussion with my OB we discovered that I may not be the best candidate for that with my normal hormone/cycle issues, but I like the idea of permanent birth control because I can't take the pill. We have a big decision to make and I find myself asking a lot of questions.
I look at stopping at two children quite favorably sometimes. I will have a boy and a girl. Another thing is that I won't have to be pregnant ever again; won't have to worry about complications or preeclampsia. I won't ever have to recover from another c-section. Then my focus will be on raising children and on my career. Plus, I have always told Matt that I want to be able to provide well for the children we have. I want them to have everything they need, some of what they want, and to be able to participate in extra-curricular activities like dance or sports; things that cost money. I also want to be able to help my children buy their first vehicle and get through college. I imagine that would be so hard with more children. Matt and I could do it well for Joshua and Rachel. I don't want to sacrifice our nest egg or our leisure activities all the time because we have so many children to provide for.
But then I think about having another child. I always wanted three. Matt and I have the love to give. We both are passionate about adoption, especially when we consider Jesus' command to care for the orphan. Adoption means I wouldn't have to be pregnant again. It isn't about biological children for us. After Joshua was born, we didn't know if we would ever have another biological child of our own. We thought we would adopt. I make plans, God laughs. We could provide for three children, we would just have to make more sacrifices. But then I think of how many different directions three children could pull us. And I intend to always be a career woman because I was called by God into ministry. And then I think about the stereotypes of pastor's children. It would be a lot easier to raise two well adjusted children and to give two children the attention they need and deserve.
I am having to learn it isn't about having three children just because I always wanted three. It's a family decision and time and money are factors. Someone once told me that if you want something badly, but it's not something God wants for you He will take away your desire for that or give you something to take it's place. Maybe God hasn't planned for me to have three children, and after Rachel gets here I will know two is enough and my heart will be full and complete. I am trusting that God will show us the answer when the time is right. Right now I am just trying to be thankful for all we have. We weren't even planning on Rachel. I wasn't trying to get pregnant; I was too scared. I told God that if He wanted me to have another biological child then He had to make it happen. And God gave us the precious gift of our little Rachel. I am learning not to tell God I don't like something or don't plan on doing something because I can almost guarantee if I say that He will make it happen.
And what is it that I have to be thankful for? So much! A loving, Heavenly Father, a great, supportive, wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a job, a home, family and friends, an education, and I could go on. I should give birth to Rachel at the end of July. I will be 29 this year. Before I turn 30, I will have completed 7 years of college and grad school with 3 degrees to show for it. I got married while in grad school; pregnant with my first child while in grad school. I gave birth after I graduated. I will have my second child this summer. I have a job as a pastor where I change lives. I will be commissioned in June, and I will be on my way to ordination all by the time I am 30. That is a lot to be thankful for. I could be done having children before I turn 30. That is an accomplishment, especially when educated, career women like me are waiting longer to have children. But I know, no matter what, God will show us what is right for us and He will do so in his time. And maybe that time will be when I hold Rachel in my arms for the first time.
I have always envisioned that I would be the mom of three children. Growing up I was one of two and I wished so badly that I came from a big family. I wanted more siblings, particularly a brother. Matt and I talked before we got married and we felt like three children was a good number. But as I said, I make plans and God laughs. I have begun to wonder about having more children because I need to think about whether I want my tubes tied. I will be having another c-section and if I want it done, that is the time to do it. After some discussion with my OB we discovered that I may not be the best candidate for that with my normal hormone/cycle issues, but I like the idea of permanent birth control because I can't take the pill. We have a big decision to make and I find myself asking a lot of questions.
I look at stopping at two children quite favorably sometimes. I will have a boy and a girl. Another thing is that I won't have to be pregnant ever again; won't have to worry about complications or preeclampsia. I won't ever have to recover from another c-section. Then my focus will be on raising children and on my career. Plus, I have always told Matt that I want to be able to provide well for the children we have. I want them to have everything they need, some of what they want, and to be able to participate in extra-curricular activities like dance or sports; things that cost money. I also want to be able to help my children buy their first vehicle and get through college. I imagine that would be so hard with more children. Matt and I could do it well for Joshua and Rachel. I don't want to sacrifice our nest egg or our leisure activities all the time because we have so many children to provide for.
But then I think about having another child. I always wanted three. Matt and I have the love to give. We both are passionate about adoption, especially when we consider Jesus' command to care for the orphan. Adoption means I wouldn't have to be pregnant again. It isn't about biological children for us. After Joshua was born, we didn't know if we would ever have another biological child of our own. We thought we would adopt. I make plans, God laughs. We could provide for three children, we would just have to make more sacrifices. But then I think of how many different directions three children could pull us. And I intend to always be a career woman because I was called by God into ministry. And then I think about the stereotypes of pastor's children. It would be a lot easier to raise two well adjusted children and to give two children the attention they need and deserve.
I am having to learn it isn't about having three children just because I always wanted three. It's a family decision and time and money are factors. Someone once told me that if you want something badly, but it's not something God wants for you He will take away your desire for that or give you something to take it's place. Maybe God hasn't planned for me to have three children, and after Rachel gets here I will know two is enough and my heart will be full and complete. I am trusting that God will show us the answer when the time is right. Right now I am just trying to be thankful for all we have. We weren't even planning on Rachel. I wasn't trying to get pregnant; I was too scared. I told God that if He wanted me to have another biological child then He had to make it happen. And God gave us the precious gift of our little Rachel. I am learning not to tell God I don't like something or don't plan on doing something because I can almost guarantee if I say that He will make it happen.
And what is it that I have to be thankful for? So much! A loving, Heavenly Father, a great, supportive, wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a job, a home, family and friends, an education, and I could go on. I should give birth to Rachel at the end of July. I will be 29 this year. Before I turn 30, I will have completed 7 years of college and grad school with 3 degrees to show for it. I got married while in grad school; pregnant with my first child while in grad school. I gave birth after I graduated. I will have my second child this summer. I have a job as a pastor where I change lives. I will be commissioned in June, and I will be on my way to ordination all by the time I am 30. That is a lot to be thankful for. I could be done having children before I turn 30. That is an accomplishment, especially when educated, career women like me are waiting longer to have children. But I know, no matter what, God will show us what is right for us and He will do so in his time. And maybe that time will be when I hold Rachel in my arms for the first time.
Monday, May 14, 2012
What's New
Well, it has been awhile since I have written. Things have been busy. A lot has been going on around here. We have been battling allergies in our family on top of all the busyness. Joshua is getting new furniture soon, and we have been getting his room ready for that and Rachel's room ready for the crib and her other furniture. Rachel will have the room that used to be the office so we had a lot of rearranging to do. I have started to wash Rachel's things, and there is a lot of it!
Updates regarding my pregnancy: I passed my second gestational diabetes test! Yay! No diabetes here. It finally felt like things were going well. Nothing else could be wrong. We have checked for everything. I saw my OB last Tuesday and she said everything was looking good. I hated that we didn't get to see my girl on the ultrasound. Hopefully next time. Then on Friday, I ended up at the hospital. I was having contractions that were about 7-8 minutes apart and Rachel wasn't moving much. Matt talked me in to getting checked out, even though I was hesitant. After we got hooked up to the monitors and found Rachel's heartbeat, she started moving around like a crazy girl! Everything ended up being just fine. My contractions were probably a combination of Braxton Hicks and dehydration. You would think that I would learn that I need to drink more! I was a little swollen when I got there so the nurses started to check for preeclampsia. And I did not have the protein or the blood pressure symptom! Praise God! They did the preterm labor test and it came back negative; no labor for me in the next two weeks! I felt really good when we left the hospital. I made a decision when we left the hospital: I am not going to live every day of this pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong. It is in God's hands. He took care of my little boy, and He will take care of Rachel, whatever happens. I have to be reminded pretty frequently that He is the one in control, not me!
I got the ok from my OB to go to Annual Conference this year. I was worried that she would not let me. That means a lot, especially since I am being commissioned. Now, I won't have to miss it! I just pray I don't end up on permanent bedrest between now and then. I am looking forward to a few days away, and another step in my journey being accomplished. It should be a good time.
Updates regarding my pregnancy: I passed my second gestational diabetes test! Yay! No diabetes here. It finally felt like things were going well. Nothing else could be wrong. We have checked for everything. I saw my OB last Tuesday and she said everything was looking good. I hated that we didn't get to see my girl on the ultrasound. Hopefully next time. Then on Friday, I ended up at the hospital. I was having contractions that were about 7-8 minutes apart and Rachel wasn't moving much. Matt talked me in to getting checked out, even though I was hesitant. After we got hooked up to the monitors and found Rachel's heartbeat, she started moving around like a crazy girl! Everything ended up being just fine. My contractions were probably a combination of Braxton Hicks and dehydration. You would think that I would learn that I need to drink more! I was a little swollen when I got there so the nurses started to check for preeclampsia. And I did not have the protein or the blood pressure symptom! Praise God! They did the preterm labor test and it came back negative; no labor for me in the next two weeks! I felt really good when we left the hospital. I made a decision when we left the hospital: I am not going to live every day of this pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong. It is in God's hands. He took care of my little boy, and He will take care of Rachel, whatever happens. I have to be reminded pretty frequently that He is the one in control, not me!
I got the ok from my OB to go to Annual Conference this year. I was worried that she would not let me. That means a lot, especially since I am being commissioned. Now, I won't have to miss it! I just pray I don't end up on permanent bedrest between now and then. I am looking forward to a few days away, and another step in my journey being accomplished. It should be a good time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)