Difficult Time

Hello everyone:

I have some news. This blog started out being about Josh. It was a way to share with friends and loved ones about my pregnancy. Then the blog turned into a copinjg mechanism while my little angel was the hospital. At that time it also served as a way to keep people informed on Josh's progress.

Now that my little miracle boy is almost 15 months old, amazing and perfect, and like a normal 15 month old, this blog doesn't need to be just about him anymore. I do hope for this to be about our adventures in parenting and about Josh's life (have no fear those of you who love to hear about Josh, he has another doctor's appointment on February 8th, and I will update then), but I recognize that Josh's life is not my story to share. Overall, I want this to be a story of our journey as a couple, a family story, a place to share about life, and it will also be a place to share about faith and my experience as a pastor (without sharing things I have no business sharing).

With that said, today is a moment when it is time to share about life and faith. I am having a difficult time. Yes, pastors too have difficult times. Those people you think have it all together and seem near perfect at times like moms and teachers, they struggle too. And, I hate to disappoint, pastors struggle with things you think they may not struggle with. We are human, too. We struggle with sin and temptation. And sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not in control and we can't always fix things on our own. We need to be reminded to give things over to God. And we appreciate your prayers! Prayers make a difference. Please, please, please, keep your pastor in your prayers!

If you have read the blog, you know about the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. You also know of my desire to have another child in the near future. After a heart to heart with my mother today I became discouraged. Josh is going to be 2 this year; perfect time to consider expanding the family. My mom does not think I need to have any more children. She thinks I will get preeclampsia again, and therefore, put another child at risk. And Lord knows, I don't want another child to spend 5 1/2 weeks the hospital. And Matt and I, and I am sure his medical insurance company, do not want us to have another massive hospital bill. Don't get me wrong, no amount of money could replace my darling. He was worth that and so much more. And we learned so much while he was in the hospital. But I do not think I am strong enough to go through that again.

I am just confused. My mom was sharing some about Josh with her doctor yesterday. He said his medical opinion is that I not get pregnant again. He said if it was his wife or his daughter he would advise them not to get pregnant. But then my doctor said there is only about a 12 - 15% chance that it could repeat. But those numbers could be skewed because some of the women who have this with a second or third child just go ahead and decide not to have anymore. Which means the number could be a tad higher. It is just frustrating to me. Out of like six risk factors I only had one. I know a woman who had preeclampsia with no risk factors. And I have friends I know who have my risk factor and have had multiple children with no problem.

My mom wanted me to keep my options open. She wanted me to think about other ways to have children. There are plenty of children out there without a good home or a family. And I agree. I have always considered adoption. I thought it might be something for me. Several people I know have adopted. I would love to do international adoption, but boy, is it expensive! Matt and I could never afford international adoption, so I decided to look into something else. I wanted to possibly look into a local adoption.

I spent a lot of this afternoon praying, and thinking, and talking to my husband. We would love to give some child without a home a good family and a nice place to live. But we don't feel that is the right thing for us at this time (and I know it takes more than one afternoon to resolve a situation like this). And it isn't about the child not being biologically ours or the fact that we may not have the child as a newborn. I know it isn't just about me and my needs and wants. It's about what God wants. And God calls people to be foster and adoptive parents.

But you have to know me. I am determined and ambitious. If you tell me I can't do something, I want to do it just to prove you wrong. Now, I know that is a bad reason to have a child. But that isn't the reasoning for having another child. I want to know that I can carry a child full term. I need to know I can do it. I want to scream from the top of my lungs that what happened to Josh was not my fault! I didn't do that to him. I need to do this for myself. I need to see and to know. It sure felt rotten when I thought my weight caused Josh's problems.

So I got to thinking, is adoption the easy way out? Is adoption the impatient me saying, "I want a child and I want one now, so I am going to take this in my own hands!" I have been there before. I have been the person who took things into my hands instead of waiting on God. The results have not been pretty. And adopting a child for that reason would be selfish and unfair.

Not choosing to expand our family out of fear seems bad. We want more children. We can love and care and provide for them. So we are going to stop because we are afraid of preeclampsia; afraid of 12-15%? Is choosing not to have another child like saying that I don't believe in the odds or that I don't believe God can work through the situation? Is it like saying God cannot give me a child at full term or close to it? God does not want us to be afraid. God will have his way, regardless. God works miracles. God can defy the odds. I want to be like Angie Smith (if you don't know much about her, you should look into her story). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, who is in the Christian band Selah. During one of Angie's pregnancies, they found out their daughter had some serious issues. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy because she might not live. As Christians, they couldn't do that. Angie's response when she found out that something was wrong with their little girl, she said that God was the same at that moment as he was before she knew. It was in God's hands. He was in control. I want to be like that. I want that attitude.

God can make our dream possible. Where there isn't a way, God can make a way. Now is not quite the right time to have another child. In God's time and his way, he will make our dreams come true. Thank you for listening to me. I am sorry for the rambling. I wanted to share my feelings; I wanted to share your life. And I would love for your prayers. Pray that I don't let fear comsume me. Pray that God's will be done. And pray that a child will bless our lives in the right time and in the right way, whether naturally or through adoption. It means so much to me to be able to share and to have your prayers.

Until next time...

The BIG goal for the New Year

My main goal for the year is to lose weight - a big goal indeed, that will hopefully leave me smaller. I have wanted this for a long time and I feel like this is my year and my time. This is the year it will happen. I have made plenty of goals this year (see previous post) and one of my goals is to make more time for myself and to take care of myself. If I want to start making myself a priority, a big way to do that is to lose weight.

My weight loss is going to be a process, one I will be happy to share here. I know it is a process, and it will take time. It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know the possibility exists that I may not lose all the weight I want to in a year. I recognize that there will be ups and downs, steps forward followed by steps backward, and times where I plateau. And hopefully, in sharing my journey, I can inspire someone else.

But I will not fail. This is my time. I am prepared to work harder when I reach those moments where I plateau. I am determined, ambitious, goal-oriented, and I recognize my will-power. This is what I desire and I will work hard at it. I am ready to not only work on the physical, but to examine and strengthen the mental and emotional aspects that are involved when you have a weight issue. I have someone (Matt) on my side ready to push and inspire me, to be my voice of reason, but also to listen and understand and to be the shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and frustrating. I have lost weight before and always put it back on. This time I will go the distance.

So here is my plan of action. I am sharing it so that people can help keep me accountable.

1. Exercise - Matt and I are committed to exercising 4-6 days a week. We are starting out at the 4 - 5 end and building up. My ultimate goal is to spend 5-6 hours a week exercising. Several days we will walk. Two miles is the magic number. I don't know how we picked that, but it sounds good. We also will incorporate our WII Fit as well as some DVDs. We have invested in Billy Blanks' Cardio Inferno, a Jillian Michaels video, and a Bob Harper video. They will probably be followed up with another Jillian Michaels video (she is the kind of trainer I need) and a Biggest Loser exercise video. I also have a 10 disk collection of fitness DVDs that alternate cardio, strength training/sculpting, and core exercises. Some days we will walk, some days do a video, and some days do both.

2. Drink Water - I encourage everyone to take a look at your consumption of liquids and watch what you drink and how much and when. I knew I did not drink near enough water, but when I actually looked it I was consuming an awful number of calories from sweet tea ( my love), juice ( I love juice almost as much), and soda ( I am addicted to Coke Zero). We will be drinking a lot more water around here. And whenever we go out to eat (which will be rare now) I will only order water. Can you imagine how many calories you consume from drinks when the waitress keeps refilling your drink glass with tea or soda? My goal for right now is 2 non-water drinks a day. So far I am on my 4th glass of water today and nothing else to drink, yet.

3. Food changes - Right now, Matt and I are not going on a BIG diet. We are making small, gradual changes to the way we eat. Matt and I do not eat that horribly. Our problems lie in small areas. Our first goal is to not eat after dinner. Dinner will be our last meal and we will not eat after 7:00. Our second goal is to eat healthier snacks during the day. We are cutting out a lot of sweets, but allowing treats occasionally (the doctor said it was good to reward yourself so you can stick with it). We will not be eating out (Hooray -we will also save some extra money). I will be looking for healthier ways to prepare what we eat. So we will probably not eat much fried food anymore. We will also eat less and healthier carbs, we will use portion control, watch calories, sugar, and salt intake, and we will go easy on stuff like mayonnaise, dressing, and barbecue sauce. Matt and I already eat a lot of veggies, and healthy meat like chicken and fish. We will just prepare them in healthier ways and eat a little less red meat. I have some recipes to try, and I can't wait. We will see how this goes. I am using some recipes from the Biggest Loser and the South Beach diet. If we need to for more results, we may actually go on one of those actual diets.

This is our plan. I will keep you updated with our progress. And I am hoping to post pictures with results down the road. Please stay tuned for progress, and maybe you can help hold us accountable. Thanks for your support!

It's a New Year, time for New Beginnings!

The new year is a perfect time to think about new goals and new beginnings. It can be a kind of depressing time though, especially for those of us, like me, who do not like change. But I tend to find myself welcoming the new year more than dreading it because it is a chance for a fresh start.

2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. Tomorrow (January 3rd) is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It's been an amazing two years. We have been blessed with so much. But these past two years have had more than their fair share of difficulties. So I say it is time for Matt and I to have a fairly easy and really good year. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the strength I have gained, the closeness that has come to us, and the lessons learned from hard times, and the good over the past two years far outweighs the bad, but I do not desire to repeat some of what we have gone through!

I believe in giving myself goals for the new year. I do not like to call them resolutions, because to me resolutions seem like something people make just to break a month or two later (if they last that long). I am a very ambitious and determined person and I strive hard to complete whatever I set my mind to, so here are my goals for 2011:

1. Attitude is everything. I am going to try to remain positive and to see the good in each situation. I will strive to believe that things will turn out okay, and that no matter what, my life is in God's hands. He will take care of me.

2. I will lose weight. Not just try, I will do it. I am motivated and determined. I have already started. I didn't gain weight over Christmas, so that is a start. I will exercise and eat better. And Matt is there to encourage me.

3. I will not be so quick to judge or accuse. I will try to see everyone the way God sees them, and I will try to see things from someone else's perspective (you know, walk a mile in their shoes).

4. This is the one that scares me: I avow to try not to procrastinate. We will see how this turns out.

5. I want to grow closer to God. Read the whole Bible in one year, pray more, listen more, and be more willing, and eager, to follow his leading.

6. I will grow closer to my husband. I vow to start less arguments. I will communicate better, listen more, be more understanding, more patient, and more thoughtful.

7. Hopefully, 2011 will see the beginning of Baird baby number 2. We will see how that plays out.

8. I will take more time for myself. I will love more, have more fun, laugh more, cry less, make time for more family time, and help others.

These are my goals. Stay tuned to see how they turn out!

I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, love, joy and peace.

Happy 2011!