Difficult Time

Hello everyone:

I have some news. This blog started out being about Josh. It was a way to share with friends and loved ones about my pregnancy. Then the blog turned into a copinjg mechanism while my little angel was the hospital. At that time it also served as a way to keep people informed on Josh's progress.

Now that my little miracle boy is almost 15 months old, amazing and perfect, and like a normal 15 month old, this blog doesn't need to be just about him anymore. I do hope for this to be about our adventures in parenting and about Josh's life (have no fear those of you who love to hear about Josh, he has another doctor's appointment on February 8th, and I will update then), but I recognize that Josh's life is not my story to share. Overall, I want this to be a story of our journey as a couple, a family story, a place to share about life, and it will also be a place to share about faith and my experience as a pastor (without sharing things I have no business sharing).

With that said, today is a moment when it is time to share about life and faith. I am having a difficult time. Yes, pastors too have difficult times. Those people you think have it all together and seem near perfect at times like moms and teachers, they struggle too. And, I hate to disappoint, pastors struggle with things you think they may not struggle with. We are human, too. We struggle with sin and temptation. And sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not in control and we can't always fix things on our own. We need to be reminded to give things over to God. And we appreciate your prayers! Prayers make a difference. Please, please, please, keep your pastor in your prayers!

If you have read the blog, you know about the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. You also know of my desire to have another child in the near future. After a heart to heart with my mother today I became discouraged. Josh is going to be 2 this year; perfect time to consider expanding the family. My mom does not think I need to have any more children. She thinks I will get preeclampsia again, and therefore, put another child at risk. And Lord knows, I don't want another child to spend 5 1/2 weeks the hospital. And Matt and I, and I am sure his medical insurance company, do not want us to have another massive hospital bill. Don't get me wrong, no amount of money could replace my darling. He was worth that and so much more. And we learned so much while he was in the hospital. But I do not think I am strong enough to go through that again.

I am just confused. My mom was sharing some about Josh with her doctor yesterday. He said his medical opinion is that I not get pregnant again. He said if it was his wife or his daughter he would advise them not to get pregnant. But then my doctor said there is only about a 12 - 15% chance that it could repeat. But those numbers could be skewed because some of the women who have this with a second or third child just go ahead and decide not to have anymore. Which means the number could be a tad higher. It is just frustrating to me. Out of like six risk factors I only had one. I know a woman who had preeclampsia with no risk factors. And I have friends I know who have my risk factor and have had multiple children with no problem.

My mom wanted me to keep my options open. She wanted me to think about other ways to have children. There are plenty of children out there without a good home or a family. And I agree. I have always considered adoption. I thought it might be something for me. Several people I know have adopted. I would love to do international adoption, but boy, is it expensive! Matt and I could never afford international adoption, so I decided to look into something else. I wanted to possibly look into a local adoption.

I spent a lot of this afternoon praying, and thinking, and talking to my husband. We would love to give some child without a home a good family and a nice place to live. But we don't feel that is the right thing for us at this time (and I know it takes more than one afternoon to resolve a situation like this). And it isn't about the child not being biologically ours or the fact that we may not have the child as a newborn. I know it isn't just about me and my needs and wants. It's about what God wants. And God calls people to be foster and adoptive parents.

But you have to know me. I am determined and ambitious. If you tell me I can't do something, I want to do it just to prove you wrong. Now, I know that is a bad reason to have a child. But that isn't the reasoning for having another child. I want to know that I can carry a child full term. I need to know I can do it. I want to scream from the top of my lungs that what happened to Josh was not my fault! I didn't do that to him. I need to do this for myself. I need to see and to know. It sure felt rotten when I thought my weight caused Josh's problems.

So I got to thinking, is adoption the easy way out? Is adoption the impatient me saying, "I want a child and I want one now, so I am going to take this in my own hands!" I have been there before. I have been the person who took things into my hands instead of waiting on God. The results have not been pretty. And adopting a child for that reason would be selfish and unfair.

Not choosing to expand our family out of fear seems bad. We want more children. We can love and care and provide for them. So we are going to stop because we are afraid of preeclampsia; afraid of 12-15%? Is choosing not to have another child like saying that I don't believe in the odds or that I don't believe God can work through the situation? Is it like saying God cannot give me a child at full term or close to it? God does not want us to be afraid. God will have his way, regardless. God works miracles. God can defy the odds. I want to be like Angie Smith (if you don't know much about her, you should look into her story). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, who is in the Christian band Selah. During one of Angie's pregnancies, they found out their daughter had some serious issues. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy because she might not live. As Christians, they couldn't do that. Angie's response when she found out that something was wrong with their little girl, she said that God was the same at that moment as he was before she knew. It was in God's hands. He was in control. I want to be like that. I want that attitude.

God can make our dream possible. Where there isn't a way, God can make a way. Now is not quite the right time to have another child. In God's time and his way, he will make our dreams come true. Thank you for listening to me. I am sorry for the rambling. I wanted to share my feelings; I wanted to share your life. And I would love for your prayers. Pray that I don't let fear comsume me. Pray that God's will be done. And pray that a child will bless our lives in the right time and in the right way, whether naturally or through adoption. It means so much to me to be able to share and to have your prayers.

Until next time...