Wow!! It has been a million years since I have been here to write. Well, it feels like a million years. But have no fear, I have returned! I will be more conscious about having regular updates.
Where do I even begin? A lot has been going on. That is why I have not written. Right after Memorial Day, I began my summer intensive unit of CPE (hospital chaplaincy) as part of my education. I have already finished school, but CPE is the last thing standing in the way of ordination, although I did need to be commissioned first. I kind of did things backward, and I was running out of time so I needed to get my CPE unit in. I wasn't expecting to do it over the summer, but an opportunity presented itself and it just seemed perfect. Everything fell into place. I love it when God opens doors like that! So anyway, my CPE unit required basically 40 hours a week, on top of me being a pastor. So any free time I had was for me and I didn't do any writing. But now it is completed and I am relieved to have it done.
Josh has been growing like a weed. He is now over 3 feet tall and weighs around 29 pounds. It is hard to believe he will be 2 in less than 2 months! Ahhhh!!! Where does the time go? I am already starting to plan his second birthday party, and it is just as fun as the last one. Knowing I have a child that is practically 2, it feels like just about the right time to add to our family. Matt and I are starting to discuss it, and we feel like that may be something that will be coming in the near future!
If you remember (if I talked about it on here) Josh got sick for the first time in April with strep throat. They said at that appointment his ears looked kind of bad. Well, Josh has been fighting ear infections and strep throat since then. We have been to the doctor 6 times I think. It has been rough, and we are sick of it. We went to the ENT on August 26, and found out that Josh will be having surgery on September 26 to have tubes put in his ears and his tonsils and adenoids removed. I am very nervous and worried, but relieved that the doctor told me this is a 15 minute surgery. I imagine I will be a wreck the day of. But then it will be over and behind us. Then we will be able to move on with a healthy little boy!
I had surgery myself on August 29. I had been having some stomach issues. After a trip to the ER when I was in excruciating pain, we found out that I had like 5-6 gallstones. The doctor said the best way to deal with it would be for me to have surgery. So I had surgery 11 days ago, and am feeling much better now. I haven't had any of those horrible painful attacks since, and I can eat the things I want. Yay! And the surgery itself wasn't that bad at all. I would do it again if I had to, knowing the difference it made.
The next several weeks will be particularly busy for me. I am going through the process of commissioning in the UMC. I am hoping to be commissioned next June. Part of the process of being commissioned is presenting a sermon, doing a Bible Study, and answering 17 questions. I am done with the sermon. I have about a third of the questions done, but I haven't even began the Bible Study. I am just in the thinking stages on the study. Thank goodness I have until October 21 (the day before my birthday). But it also is the season of charge conference, and my charge conference is October 12. There is a bunch of work to be done to prepare for that. So I will be busy, but I will try to find the time to update, hopefully weekly. Until next time!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
A Long, Overdue Update
I am sorry it has been so long since I have written. I feel like it has been a hundred and ten years since I last filled you in on what is going on in the life of the Bairds. I have enough information to probably fill four posts, but my first post will be about my favorite subject, my little boy.
Joshua was 18 months old on May 1st, 2011. Wow! Where has the time gone? I can't believe my little monkey boy is a year and a half old! I still remember the little 3 pound 7 ounce little boy who entered my world six 1/2 weeks early on November 1, 2009. In some ways that feels like yesterday, but other times it feels like forever ago. He is not that little boy anymore! And my little boy is becoming a big boy. He is like a little adult. He can do so much! He can run now!
We went to his 18 month check-up on May 6. We got a great report! Preemies have an adjusted age that typically disappears by the time most babies are two. Josh's adjusted age is gone now! That means I no longer have to subtract 6 1/2 weeks to find out where Josh is. My little preemie has come so far! And he is so smart. His height is in the 93 percentile (thanks, Matthew), and his weight is in the 67 percentile. Josh is taller than his cousin Dylan who is 4 months older. And Josh also has a very large foot (thanks again Daddy!). I am so thankful for such a good report.
Josh got sick for the first time in April. We took him to the doctor April 3 and he had strep throat. They put him on antibiotics for 7 days. I guess they didn't give him enough or a strong enough antibiotic because we were back at the doctor around the 19th or 20th of April. Josh had a rebound sinus infection. But he got through that and is doing wonderful. I can't believe after everything we went through at the beginning of his life, that he waited 17 months to get his first real sickness. Way to go Josh!
That's about all I have to say about Josh! He is doing great and we are so blessed and lucky to have him. After everything we have been through, I can't imagine not ever appreciating and being eternally thankful for my little miracle from God! I may write another blog post tonight, if not, I will update this weekend. Until next time, take care!
Joshua was 18 months old on May 1st, 2011. Wow! Where has the time gone? I can't believe my little monkey boy is a year and a half old! I still remember the little 3 pound 7 ounce little boy who entered my world six 1/2 weeks early on November 1, 2009. In some ways that feels like yesterday, but other times it feels like forever ago. He is not that little boy anymore! And my little boy is becoming a big boy. He is like a little adult. He can do so much! He can run now!
We went to his 18 month check-up on May 6. We got a great report! Preemies have an adjusted age that typically disappears by the time most babies are two. Josh's adjusted age is gone now! That means I no longer have to subtract 6 1/2 weeks to find out where Josh is. My little preemie has come so far! And he is so smart. His height is in the 93 percentile (thanks, Matthew), and his weight is in the 67 percentile. Josh is taller than his cousin Dylan who is 4 months older. And Josh also has a very large foot (thanks again Daddy!). I am so thankful for such a good report.
Josh got sick for the first time in April. We took him to the doctor April 3 and he had strep throat. They put him on antibiotics for 7 days. I guess they didn't give him enough or a strong enough antibiotic because we were back at the doctor around the 19th or 20th of April. Josh had a rebound sinus infection. But he got through that and is doing wonderful. I can't believe after everything we went through at the beginning of his life, that he waited 17 months to get his first real sickness. Way to go Josh!
That's about all I have to say about Josh! He is doing great and we are so blessed and lucky to have him. After everything we have been through, I can't imagine not ever appreciating and being eternally thankful for my little miracle from God! I may write another blog post tonight, if not, I will update this weekend. Until next time, take care!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
A Decision
A decision has been made! If you know me well you know that I can be pretty indecisive, so the fact that I have made a decision is along the lines of witnessing a miracle. And if I don't change my mind a million times (which I am a woman so I am entitled to), that is even more miraculous.
I think Matt and I will be expanding our family in the near future. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I was pregnant (although that would have been an accident). I can sympathize with what it feels like to be pregnant when you don't want to be. That's what happened with Josh, but not in the scared, unmarried teenage girl kind of way. But I think any unplanned pregnancy can be scary. Matt and I had been married 3 months when we found out we were pregnant. And I know what it feels like to think you could be pregnant and then are relieved to find out you are not. Matt and I had an instance like that when Josh was about 8 months old. But this time it was not like that. I cried when I found out I wasn't, and it wasn't the happy kind of tears. That kind of let me know that it might be time for us.
And then last week, Josh started walking for good. He has been walking since early December, but last week he decided that walking is the best mode of transportation. He barely crawls anymore. Prior to now it was like he was pretty unsteady walking so crawling was more efficient, but now the opposite is true. I wanted Josh to be walking before we had another. I also would like him to be potty-trained. When I did the math, if I got pregnant in April, if I carried full term this time, Josh would be around 27 months old when the new addition arrives. He could be potty-trained!
I am still seeking God's advice, but I know if it happens then it is time and we are ready! I don't feel near as scared as I have been in the past. I know it is in God's hands. I trust God to deliver us a healthy baby full term, regardless of the odds. And if the new baby comes early, I trust God to take care of Josh's sibling just like He took care of Josh! Please pray for us as we decide about adding to our family.
I think Matt and I will be expanding our family in the near future. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I was pregnant (although that would have been an accident). I can sympathize with what it feels like to be pregnant when you don't want to be. That's what happened with Josh, but not in the scared, unmarried teenage girl kind of way. But I think any unplanned pregnancy can be scary. Matt and I had been married 3 months when we found out we were pregnant. And I know what it feels like to think you could be pregnant and then are relieved to find out you are not. Matt and I had an instance like that when Josh was about 8 months old. But this time it was not like that. I cried when I found out I wasn't, and it wasn't the happy kind of tears. That kind of let me know that it might be time for us.
And then last week, Josh started walking for good. He has been walking since early December, but last week he decided that walking is the best mode of transportation. He barely crawls anymore. Prior to now it was like he was pretty unsteady walking so crawling was more efficient, but now the opposite is true. I wanted Josh to be walking before we had another. I also would like him to be potty-trained. When I did the math, if I got pregnant in April, if I carried full term this time, Josh would be around 27 months old when the new addition arrives. He could be potty-trained!
I am still seeking God's advice, but I know if it happens then it is time and we are ready! I don't feel near as scared as I have been in the past. I know it is in God's hands. I trust God to deliver us a healthy baby full term, regardless of the odds. And if the new baby comes early, I trust God to take care of Josh's sibling just like He took care of Josh! Please pray for us as we decide about adding to our family.
Monday, March 21, 2011
My Wonderful Children
Children? Hmm...children? Did you just misspeak? No, that I did not do. And no, I am not pregnant. I teach a group of sixth grade girls on Wednesday mornings (they probably wouldn't like to be called children). Here in the town where I live the elementary school takes part in a program called Release Time Christian Education. Elementary students in 4th, 5th, and 6th grades are released from class for 50 minutes once a week to get Bible instruction. Now before anyone has a cow: parents have to sign the children up for the program, and it is taught at a local church so the children are not taught religion at school and it is not done without parental knowledge and approval.
As I mentioned, I teach a group of sixth grade girls. Boys and girls are taught separately. 4th graders learn the first half of the Old Testament, 5th graders learn the second half, and 6th graders focus on the New Testament. The town where I live in South Carolina was the first in the state to do this program! It has been going on for a long time! We have 22 weeks with these kids. Not a lot of time when you think about it. And we have missed several days due to weather. And several of my girls missed instruction time due to sickness.
This week will be our last week for the school year. It is bittersweet. I have enjoyed teaching these girls. They will graduate from this program Wednesday after spending three years learning the Old Testament and New Testament. I wish some of them new what an accomplishment this was! And I bet at some point some of these students will have wished they paid better attention. What an advantage these kids have! This instruction is an asset!
I have taken this job seriously and have enjoyed it. I hope I have been a good teacher for these girls. And I hope I have taught them as much as they have taught me. Isn't it funny how it works like that? It seems to me in ministry or teaching situations, that I always learn a lot from those I am supposed to be teaching!
Before I close, I want to share something from the girls a couple weeks ago. We were talking about the book of James. There is so much rich material in that book. I was sharing with the girls about listening and speaking. A good section of James addresses this. It speaks about being quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to become angry. The author of this book also tells us that the tongue can do damage like a forest fire, and that "with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness." On that same class day we were talking about 1st Peter. 1st Peter tells us such things as be respectful to everyone, don't retaliate, don't repay evil with evil, and don't insult people because they insult you. So I was sharing these things with the girls. I think this is an important area for teenagers. They definitely need to think about how they treat others and about the words they use.
After talking to them, before I allowed them to ask questions, it was weighing heavy on me that we are all guilty of that. We all need to be reminded of those very things. Then the girls started asking questions. They were concerned and puzzled. One of the first questions I got was "But what if someone does those things to you?" I had to explain to them that God wants us to treat each other the way we want to be treated or the way he taught us to treat each other, his children. I sounded like my mom when I explained to them that if you consistently are nice to someone who has been mean to you they will eventually be nice to you, or they will at least stop being mean to you because you are no fun to pick on anymore. In a perfect world that is how it would work. The girls became really concerned after that. They didn't want to be doormats. They didn't want people to take advantage of them because of their niceness. I understand completely. We all do. We have all been there. I could speak from experience to them.
The point is, it just feels good to treat people nicely. And it is wonderful to see all people for what they are, children of God. As James said, with the same tongue we praise God, we curse those he created. My prayer for all of us is that we would think about what we say. With our words we can start a fire. And we can't take them back once we have said them. And as Peter encouraged, we should be respectful to each other, don't repay evil with evil, and don't insult people. Thank you girls for helping me realize how important this is. I will miss seeing you on Wednesday mornings!
As I mentioned, I teach a group of sixth grade girls. Boys and girls are taught separately. 4th graders learn the first half of the Old Testament, 5th graders learn the second half, and 6th graders focus on the New Testament. The town where I live in South Carolina was the first in the state to do this program! It has been going on for a long time! We have 22 weeks with these kids. Not a lot of time when you think about it. And we have missed several days due to weather. And several of my girls missed instruction time due to sickness.
This week will be our last week for the school year. It is bittersweet. I have enjoyed teaching these girls. They will graduate from this program Wednesday after spending three years learning the Old Testament and New Testament. I wish some of them new what an accomplishment this was! And I bet at some point some of these students will have wished they paid better attention. What an advantage these kids have! This instruction is an asset!
I have taken this job seriously and have enjoyed it. I hope I have been a good teacher for these girls. And I hope I have taught them as much as they have taught me. Isn't it funny how it works like that? It seems to me in ministry or teaching situations, that I always learn a lot from those I am supposed to be teaching!
Before I close, I want to share something from the girls a couple weeks ago. We were talking about the book of James. There is so much rich material in that book. I was sharing with the girls about listening and speaking. A good section of James addresses this. It speaks about being quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to become angry. The author of this book also tells us that the tongue can do damage like a forest fire, and that "with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness." On that same class day we were talking about 1st Peter. 1st Peter tells us such things as be respectful to everyone, don't retaliate, don't repay evil with evil, and don't insult people because they insult you. So I was sharing these things with the girls. I think this is an important area for teenagers. They definitely need to think about how they treat others and about the words they use.
After talking to them, before I allowed them to ask questions, it was weighing heavy on me that we are all guilty of that. We all need to be reminded of those very things. Then the girls started asking questions. They were concerned and puzzled. One of the first questions I got was "But what if someone does those things to you?" I had to explain to them that God wants us to treat each other the way we want to be treated or the way he taught us to treat each other, his children. I sounded like my mom when I explained to them that if you consistently are nice to someone who has been mean to you they will eventually be nice to you, or they will at least stop being mean to you because you are no fun to pick on anymore. In a perfect world that is how it would work. The girls became really concerned after that. They didn't want to be doormats. They didn't want people to take advantage of them because of their niceness. I understand completely. We all do. We have all been there. I could speak from experience to them.
The point is, it just feels good to treat people nicely. And it is wonderful to see all people for what they are, children of God. As James said, with the same tongue we praise God, we curse those he created. My prayer for all of us is that we would think about what we say. With our words we can start a fire. And we can't take them back once we have said them. And as Peter encouraged, we should be respectful to each other, don't repay evil with evil, and don't insult people. Thank you girls for helping me realize how important this is. I will miss seeing you on Wednesday mornings!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Update
So, it has been awhile. Too long, in fact. I went all of February without updating. Horrible me! I promise to get better. But with as many goals as I made for the new year, I am not surprised I have slipped up on a couple! I will strive to write more in March.
What's new in the Baird household, you ask? Plenty is going on. Josh is doing wonderful! I promised to update after his doctor's appointment. Well, that was like on February 7, so I am plenty late. Josh had a great report at his doctor's appointment, and no shots! On February 7 (at 15 months), he was 33 inches long (that is almost 3 feet!) and weighed 26 pounds. That is amazing for my little preemie! The doctor is pleased with everything! Still no signs of being a preemie linger; the doctor thinks any delay with Josh is just due to his being a preemie and his being a boy. Josh is 16 months old today, but he should be 14 1/2 months old. And a month and a half makes a difference! Josh isn't talking as much as I hoped or would like, but the doctor says it is normal for a boy. He still says new words, practically weekly. And I can tell by how he responds to us that he understands even more words. Josh loves to play, and I love it when he learns new things. And Josh can walk, but it is just faster and easier to crawl.
Matt and I are doing well. Just busy, as always. I have started some new programs at church. It is great! I love my job so much. It is such a pleasure to serve the Lord in the capacity that I do. We are getting ready to head into the season of Lent. We will be doing a Bible Study for the 7 weeks of Lent. I am so excited! This is what I have been waiting for. Matt is busy with his job as well. They have inventory the first weekend in May, so he will probably be working every Saturday between now and then, and likely a lot of Sundays. But oh well, it's overtime. And that will come in handy when we go on vacation in May.
We are still working on trying to lose weight. I have not made as much progress as I would like, but I have made some. I have lost like 7 pounds since the new year. But all of that was not me. I had the flu and a stomach virus both in February, which helped me to lose 2-3 pounds of that. Matt and I celebrated our anniversary in January and Valentine's Day in February. We have also had some meals at church, so I have eaten more than I should have. My exercise has not been as consistent as I would like it to be. It was hard to get back into exercising after having the flu. I was so tired! And I have had a few busy days this last month or so. But March is a new month and I am going to hit it hard this month. Some progress is better than none, and it is something to be proud of. I will keep you all updated as we go along on this journey. And I will update again soon.
What's new in the Baird household, you ask? Plenty is going on. Josh is doing wonderful! I promised to update after his doctor's appointment. Well, that was like on February 7, so I am plenty late. Josh had a great report at his doctor's appointment, and no shots! On February 7 (at 15 months), he was 33 inches long (that is almost 3 feet!) and weighed 26 pounds. That is amazing for my little preemie! The doctor is pleased with everything! Still no signs of being a preemie linger; the doctor thinks any delay with Josh is just due to his being a preemie and his being a boy. Josh is 16 months old today, but he should be 14 1/2 months old. And a month and a half makes a difference! Josh isn't talking as much as I hoped or would like, but the doctor says it is normal for a boy. He still says new words, practically weekly. And I can tell by how he responds to us that he understands even more words. Josh loves to play, and I love it when he learns new things. And Josh can walk, but it is just faster and easier to crawl.
Matt and I are doing well. Just busy, as always. I have started some new programs at church. It is great! I love my job so much. It is such a pleasure to serve the Lord in the capacity that I do. We are getting ready to head into the season of Lent. We will be doing a Bible Study for the 7 weeks of Lent. I am so excited! This is what I have been waiting for. Matt is busy with his job as well. They have inventory the first weekend in May, so he will probably be working every Saturday between now and then, and likely a lot of Sundays. But oh well, it's overtime. And that will come in handy when we go on vacation in May.
We are still working on trying to lose weight. I have not made as much progress as I would like, but I have made some. I have lost like 7 pounds since the new year. But all of that was not me. I had the flu and a stomach virus both in February, which helped me to lose 2-3 pounds of that. Matt and I celebrated our anniversary in January and Valentine's Day in February. We have also had some meals at church, so I have eaten more than I should have. My exercise has not been as consistent as I would like it to be. It was hard to get back into exercising after having the flu. I was so tired! And I have had a few busy days this last month or so. But March is a new month and I am going to hit it hard this month. Some progress is better than none, and it is something to be proud of. I will keep you all updated as we go along on this journey. And I will update again soon.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Difficult Time
Hello everyone:
I have some news. This blog started out being about Josh. It was a way to share with friends and loved ones about my pregnancy. Then the blog turned into a copinjg mechanism while my little angel was the hospital. At that time it also served as a way to keep people informed on Josh's progress.
Now that my little miracle boy is almost 15 months old, amazing and perfect, and like a normal 15 month old, this blog doesn't need to be just about him anymore. I do hope for this to be about our adventures in parenting and about Josh's life (have no fear those of you who love to hear about Josh, he has another doctor's appointment on February 8th, and I will update then), but I recognize that Josh's life is not my story to share. Overall, I want this to be a story of our journey as a couple, a family story, a place to share about life, and it will also be a place to share about faith and my experience as a pastor (without sharing things I have no business sharing).
With that said, today is a moment when it is time to share about life and faith. I am having a difficult time. Yes, pastors too have difficult times. Those people you think have it all together and seem near perfect at times like moms and teachers, they struggle too. And, I hate to disappoint, pastors struggle with things you think they may not struggle with. We are human, too. We struggle with sin and temptation. And sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not in control and we can't always fix things on our own. We need to be reminded to give things over to God. And we appreciate your prayers! Prayers make a difference. Please, please, please, keep your pastor in your prayers!
If you have read the blog, you know about the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. You also know of my desire to have another child in the near future. After a heart to heart with my mother today I became discouraged. Josh is going to be 2 this year; perfect time to consider expanding the family. My mom does not think I need to have any more children. She thinks I will get preeclampsia again, and therefore, put another child at risk. And Lord knows, I don't want another child to spend 5 1/2 weeks the hospital. And Matt and I, and I am sure his medical insurance company, do not want us to have another massive hospital bill. Don't get me wrong, no amount of money could replace my darling. He was worth that and so much more. And we learned so much while he was in the hospital. But I do not think I am strong enough to go through that again.
I am just confused. My mom was sharing some about Josh with her doctor yesterday. He said his medical opinion is that I not get pregnant again. He said if it was his wife or his daughter he would advise them not to get pregnant. But then my doctor said there is only about a 12 - 15% chance that it could repeat. But those numbers could be skewed because some of the women who have this with a second or third child just go ahead and decide not to have anymore. Which means the number could be a tad higher. It is just frustrating to me. Out of like six risk factors I only had one. I know a woman who had preeclampsia with no risk factors. And I have friends I know who have my risk factor and have had multiple children with no problem.
My mom wanted me to keep my options open. She wanted me to think about other ways to have children. There are plenty of children out there without a good home or a family. And I agree. I have always considered adoption. I thought it might be something for me. Several people I know have adopted. I would love to do international adoption, but boy, is it expensive! Matt and I could never afford international adoption, so I decided to look into something else. I wanted to possibly look into a local adoption.
I spent a lot of this afternoon praying, and thinking, and talking to my husband. We would love to give some child without a home a good family and a nice place to live. But we don't feel that is the right thing for us at this time (and I know it takes more than one afternoon to resolve a situation like this). And it isn't about the child not being biologically ours or the fact that we may not have the child as a newborn. I know it isn't just about me and my needs and wants. It's about what God wants. And God calls people to be foster and adoptive parents.
But you have to know me. I am determined and ambitious. If you tell me I can't do something, I want to do it just to prove you wrong. Now, I know that is a bad reason to have a child. But that isn't the reasoning for having another child. I want to know that I can carry a child full term. I need to know I can do it. I want to scream from the top of my lungs that what happened to Josh was not my fault! I didn't do that to him. I need to do this for myself. I need to see and to know. It sure felt rotten when I thought my weight caused Josh's problems.
So I got to thinking, is adoption the easy way out? Is adoption the impatient me saying, "I want a child and I want one now, so I am going to take this in my own hands!" I have been there before. I have been the person who took things into my hands instead of waiting on God. The results have not been pretty. And adopting a child for that reason would be selfish and unfair.
Not choosing to expand our family out of fear seems bad. We want more children. We can love and care and provide for them. So we are going to stop because we are afraid of preeclampsia; afraid of 12-15%? Is choosing not to have another child like saying that I don't believe in the odds or that I don't believe God can work through the situation? Is it like saying God cannot give me a child at full term or close to it? God does not want us to be afraid. God will have his way, regardless. God works miracles. God can defy the odds. I want to be like Angie Smith (if you don't know much about her, you should look into her story). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, who is in the Christian band Selah. During one of Angie's pregnancies, they found out their daughter had some serious issues. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy because she might not live. As Christians, they couldn't do that. Angie's response when she found out that something was wrong with their little girl, she said that God was the same at that moment as he was before she knew. It was in God's hands. He was in control. I want to be like that. I want that attitude.
God can make our dream possible. Where there isn't a way, God can make a way. Now is not quite the right time to have another child. In God's time and his way, he will make our dreams come true. Thank you for listening to me. I am sorry for the rambling. I wanted to share my feelings; I wanted to share your life. And I would love for your prayers. Pray that I don't let fear comsume me. Pray that God's will be done. And pray that a child will bless our lives in the right time and in the right way, whether naturally or through adoption. It means so much to me to be able to share and to have your prayers.
Until next time...
I have some news. This blog started out being about Josh. It was a way to share with friends and loved ones about my pregnancy. Then the blog turned into a copinjg mechanism while my little angel was the hospital. At that time it also served as a way to keep people informed on Josh's progress.
Now that my little miracle boy is almost 15 months old, amazing and perfect, and like a normal 15 month old, this blog doesn't need to be just about him anymore. I do hope for this to be about our adventures in parenting and about Josh's life (have no fear those of you who love to hear about Josh, he has another doctor's appointment on February 8th, and I will update then), but I recognize that Josh's life is not my story to share. Overall, I want this to be a story of our journey as a couple, a family story, a place to share about life, and it will also be a place to share about faith and my experience as a pastor (without sharing things I have no business sharing).
With that said, today is a moment when it is time to share about life and faith. I am having a difficult time. Yes, pastors too have difficult times. Those people you think have it all together and seem near perfect at times like moms and teachers, they struggle too. And, I hate to disappoint, pastors struggle with things you think they may not struggle with. We are human, too. We struggle with sin and temptation. And sometimes we have to be reminded that we are not in control and we can't always fix things on our own. We need to be reminded to give things over to God. And we appreciate your prayers! Prayers make a difference. Please, please, please, keep your pastor in your prayers!
If you have read the blog, you know about the circumstances surrounding Josh's birth. You also know of my desire to have another child in the near future. After a heart to heart with my mother today I became discouraged. Josh is going to be 2 this year; perfect time to consider expanding the family. My mom does not think I need to have any more children. She thinks I will get preeclampsia again, and therefore, put another child at risk. And Lord knows, I don't want another child to spend 5 1/2 weeks the hospital. And Matt and I, and I am sure his medical insurance company, do not want us to have another massive hospital bill. Don't get me wrong, no amount of money could replace my darling. He was worth that and so much more. And we learned so much while he was in the hospital. But I do not think I am strong enough to go through that again.
I am just confused. My mom was sharing some about Josh with her doctor yesterday. He said his medical opinion is that I not get pregnant again. He said if it was his wife or his daughter he would advise them not to get pregnant. But then my doctor said there is only about a 12 - 15% chance that it could repeat. But those numbers could be skewed because some of the women who have this with a second or third child just go ahead and decide not to have anymore. Which means the number could be a tad higher. It is just frustrating to me. Out of like six risk factors I only had one. I know a woman who had preeclampsia with no risk factors. And I have friends I know who have my risk factor and have had multiple children with no problem.
My mom wanted me to keep my options open. She wanted me to think about other ways to have children. There are plenty of children out there without a good home or a family. And I agree. I have always considered adoption. I thought it might be something for me. Several people I know have adopted. I would love to do international adoption, but boy, is it expensive! Matt and I could never afford international adoption, so I decided to look into something else. I wanted to possibly look into a local adoption.
I spent a lot of this afternoon praying, and thinking, and talking to my husband. We would love to give some child without a home a good family and a nice place to live. But we don't feel that is the right thing for us at this time (and I know it takes more than one afternoon to resolve a situation like this). And it isn't about the child not being biologically ours or the fact that we may not have the child as a newborn. I know it isn't just about me and my needs and wants. It's about what God wants. And God calls people to be foster and adoptive parents.
But you have to know me. I am determined and ambitious. If you tell me I can't do something, I want to do it just to prove you wrong. Now, I know that is a bad reason to have a child. But that isn't the reasoning for having another child. I want to know that I can carry a child full term. I need to know I can do it. I want to scream from the top of my lungs that what happened to Josh was not my fault! I didn't do that to him. I need to do this for myself. I need to see and to know. It sure felt rotten when I thought my weight caused Josh's problems.
So I got to thinking, is adoption the easy way out? Is adoption the impatient me saying, "I want a child and I want one now, so I am going to take this in my own hands!" I have been there before. I have been the person who took things into my hands instead of waiting on God. The results have not been pretty. And adopting a child for that reason would be selfish and unfair.
Not choosing to expand our family out of fear seems bad. We want more children. We can love and care and provide for them. So we are going to stop because we are afraid of preeclampsia; afraid of 12-15%? Is choosing not to have another child like saying that I don't believe in the odds or that I don't believe God can work through the situation? Is it like saying God cannot give me a child at full term or close to it? God does not want us to be afraid. God will have his way, regardless. God works miracles. God can defy the odds. I want to be like Angie Smith (if you don't know much about her, you should look into her story). Angie is the wife of Todd Smith, who is in the Christian band Selah. During one of Angie's pregnancies, they found out their daughter had some serious issues. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy because she might not live. As Christians, they couldn't do that. Angie's response when she found out that something was wrong with their little girl, she said that God was the same at that moment as he was before she knew. It was in God's hands. He was in control. I want to be like that. I want that attitude.
God can make our dream possible. Where there isn't a way, God can make a way. Now is not quite the right time to have another child. In God's time and his way, he will make our dreams come true. Thank you for listening to me. I am sorry for the rambling. I wanted to share my feelings; I wanted to share your life. And I would love for your prayers. Pray that I don't let fear comsume me. Pray that God's will be done. And pray that a child will bless our lives in the right time and in the right way, whether naturally or through adoption. It means so much to me to be able to share and to have your prayers.
Until next time...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The BIG goal for the New Year
My main goal for the year is to lose weight - a big goal indeed, that will hopefully leave me smaller. I have wanted this for a long time and I feel like this is my year and my time. This is the year it will happen. I have made plenty of goals this year (see previous post) and one of my goals is to make more time for myself and to take care of myself. If I want to start making myself a priority, a big way to do that is to lose weight.
My weight loss is going to be a process, one I will be happy to share here. I know it is a process, and it will take time. It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know the possibility exists that I may not lose all the weight I want to in a year. I recognize that there will be ups and downs, steps forward followed by steps backward, and times where I plateau. And hopefully, in sharing my journey, I can inspire someone else.
But I will not fail. This is my time. I am prepared to work harder when I reach those moments where I plateau. I am determined, ambitious, goal-oriented, and I recognize my will-power. This is what I desire and I will work hard at it. I am ready to not only work on the physical, but to examine and strengthen the mental and emotional aspects that are involved when you have a weight issue. I have someone (Matt) on my side ready to push and inspire me, to be my voice of reason, but also to listen and understand and to be the shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and frustrating. I have lost weight before and always put it back on. This time I will go the distance.
So here is my plan of action. I am sharing it so that people can help keep me accountable.
1. Exercise - Matt and I are committed to exercising 4-6 days a week. We are starting out at the 4 - 5 end and building up. My ultimate goal is to spend 5-6 hours a week exercising. Several days we will walk. Two miles is the magic number. I don't know how we picked that, but it sounds good. We also will incorporate our WII Fit as well as some DVDs. We have invested in Billy Blanks' Cardio Inferno, a Jillian Michaels video, and a Bob Harper video. They will probably be followed up with another Jillian Michaels video (she is the kind of trainer I need) and a Biggest Loser exercise video. I also have a 10 disk collection of fitness DVDs that alternate cardio, strength training/sculpting, and core exercises. Some days we will walk, some days do a video, and some days do both.
2. Drink Water - I encourage everyone to take a look at your consumption of liquids and watch what you drink and how much and when. I knew I did not drink near enough water, but when I actually looked it I was consuming an awful number of calories from sweet tea ( my love), juice ( I love juice almost as much), and soda ( I am addicted to Coke Zero). We will be drinking a lot more water around here. And whenever we go out to eat (which will be rare now) I will only order water. Can you imagine how many calories you consume from drinks when the waitress keeps refilling your drink glass with tea or soda? My goal for right now is 2 non-water drinks a day. So far I am on my 4th glass of water today and nothing else to drink, yet.
3. Food changes - Right now, Matt and I are not going on a BIG diet. We are making small, gradual changes to the way we eat. Matt and I do not eat that horribly. Our problems lie in small areas. Our first goal is to not eat after dinner. Dinner will be our last meal and we will not eat after 7:00. Our second goal is to eat healthier snacks during the day. We are cutting out a lot of sweets, but allowing treats occasionally (the doctor said it was good to reward yourself so you can stick with it). We will not be eating out (Hooray -we will also save some extra money). I will be looking for healthier ways to prepare what we eat. So we will probably not eat much fried food anymore. We will also eat less and healthier carbs, we will use portion control, watch calories, sugar, and salt intake, and we will go easy on stuff like mayonnaise, dressing, and barbecue sauce. Matt and I already eat a lot of veggies, and healthy meat like chicken and fish. We will just prepare them in healthier ways and eat a little less red meat. I have some recipes to try, and I can't wait. We will see how this goes. I am using some recipes from the Biggest Loser and the South Beach diet. If we need to for more results, we may actually go on one of those actual diets.
This is our plan. I will keep you updated with our progress. And I am hoping to post pictures with results down the road. Please stay tuned for progress, and maybe you can help hold us accountable. Thanks for your support!
My weight loss is going to be a process, one I will be happy to share here. I know it is a process, and it will take time. It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know the possibility exists that I may not lose all the weight I want to in a year. I recognize that there will be ups and downs, steps forward followed by steps backward, and times where I plateau. And hopefully, in sharing my journey, I can inspire someone else.
But I will not fail. This is my time. I am prepared to work harder when I reach those moments where I plateau. I am determined, ambitious, goal-oriented, and I recognize my will-power. This is what I desire and I will work hard at it. I am ready to not only work on the physical, but to examine and strengthen the mental and emotional aspects that are involved when you have a weight issue. I have someone (Matt) on my side ready to push and inspire me, to be my voice of reason, but also to listen and understand and to be the shoulder to cry on when it gets tough and frustrating. I have lost weight before and always put it back on. This time I will go the distance.
So here is my plan of action. I am sharing it so that people can help keep me accountable.
1. Exercise - Matt and I are committed to exercising 4-6 days a week. We are starting out at the 4 - 5 end and building up. My ultimate goal is to spend 5-6 hours a week exercising. Several days we will walk. Two miles is the magic number. I don't know how we picked that, but it sounds good. We also will incorporate our WII Fit as well as some DVDs. We have invested in Billy Blanks' Cardio Inferno, a Jillian Michaels video, and a Bob Harper video. They will probably be followed up with another Jillian Michaels video (she is the kind of trainer I need) and a Biggest Loser exercise video. I also have a 10 disk collection of fitness DVDs that alternate cardio, strength training/sculpting, and core exercises. Some days we will walk, some days do a video, and some days do both.
2. Drink Water - I encourage everyone to take a look at your consumption of liquids and watch what you drink and how much and when. I knew I did not drink near enough water, but when I actually looked it I was consuming an awful number of calories from sweet tea ( my love), juice ( I love juice almost as much), and soda ( I am addicted to Coke Zero). We will be drinking a lot more water around here. And whenever we go out to eat (which will be rare now) I will only order water. Can you imagine how many calories you consume from drinks when the waitress keeps refilling your drink glass with tea or soda? My goal for right now is 2 non-water drinks a day. So far I am on my 4th glass of water today and nothing else to drink, yet.
3. Food changes - Right now, Matt and I are not going on a BIG diet. We are making small, gradual changes to the way we eat. Matt and I do not eat that horribly. Our problems lie in small areas. Our first goal is to not eat after dinner. Dinner will be our last meal and we will not eat after 7:00. Our second goal is to eat healthier snacks during the day. We are cutting out a lot of sweets, but allowing treats occasionally (the doctor said it was good to reward yourself so you can stick with it). We will not be eating out (Hooray -we will also save some extra money). I will be looking for healthier ways to prepare what we eat. So we will probably not eat much fried food anymore. We will also eat less and healthier carbs, we will use portion control, watch calories, sugar, and salt intake, and we will go easy on stuff like mayonnaise, dressing, and barbecue sauce. Matt and I already eat a lot of veggies, and healthy meat like chicken and fish. We will just prepare them in healthier ways and eat a little less red meat. I have some recipes to try, and I can't wait. We will see how this goes. I am using some recipes from the Biggest Loser and the South Beach diet. If we need to for more results, we may actually go on one of those actual diets.
This is our plan. I will keep you updated with our progress. And I am hoping to post pictures with results down the road. Please stay tuned for progress, and maybe you can help hold us accountable. Thanks for your support!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's a New Year, time for New Beginnings!
The new year is a perfect time to think about new goals and new beginnings. It can be a kind of depressing time though, especially for those of us, like me, who do not like change. But I tend to find myself welcoming the new year more than dreading it because it is a chance for a fresh start.
2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. Tomorrow (January 3rd) is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It's been an amazing two years. We have been blessed with so much. But these past two years have had more than their fair share of difficulties. So I say it is time for Matt and I to have a fairly easy and really good year. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the strength I have gained, the closeness that has come to us, and the lessons learned from hard times, and the good over the past two years far outweighs the bad, but I do not desire to repeat some of what we have gone through!
I believe in giving myself goals for the new year. I do not like to call them resolutions, because to me resolutions seem like something people make just to break a month or two later (if they last that long). I am a very ambitious and determined person and I strive hard to complete whatever I set my mind to, so here are my goals for 2011:
1. Attitude is everything. I am going to try to remain positive and to see the good in each situation. I will strive to believe that things will turn out okay, and that no matter what, my life is in God's hands. He will take care of me.
2. I will lose weight. Not just try, I will do it. I am motivated and determined. I have already started. I didn't gain weight over Christmas, so that is a start. I will exercise and eat better. And Matt is there to encourage me.
3. I will not be so quick to judge or accuse. I will try to see everyone the way God sees them, and I will try to see things from someone else's perspective (you know, walk a mile in their shoes).
4. This is the one that scares me: I avow to try not to procrastinate. We will see how this turns out.
5. I want to grow closer to God. Read the whole Bible in one year, pray more, listen more, and be more willing, and eager, to follow his leading.
6. I will grow closer to my husband. I vow to start less arguments. I will communicate better, listen more, be more understanding, more patient, and more thoughtful.
7. Hopefully, 2011 will see the beginning of Baird baby number 2. We will see how that plays out.
8. I will take more time for myself. I will love more, have more fun, laugh more, cry less, make time for more family time, and help others.
These are my goals. Stay tuned to see how they turn out!
I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, love, joy and peace.
Happy 2011!
2011 is going to be a good year, I can feel it. Tomorrow (January 3rd) is our 2nd wedding anniversary. It's been an amazing two years. We have been blessed with so much. But these past two years have had more than their fair share of difficulties. So I say it is time for Matt and I to have a fairly easy and really good year. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the strength I have gained, the closeness that has come to us, and the lessons learned from hard times, and the good over the past two years far outweighs the bad, but I do not desire to repeat some of what we have gone through!
I believe in giving myself goals for the new year. I do not like to call them resolutions, because to me resolutions seem like something people make just to break a month or two later (if they last that long). I am a very ambitious and determined person and I strive hard to complete whatever I set my mind to, so here are my goals for 2011:
1. Attitude is everything. I am going to try to remain positive and to see the good in each situation. I will strive to believe that things will turn out okay, and that no matter what, my life is in God's hands. He will take care of me.
2. I will lose weight. Not just try, I will do it. I am motivated and determined. I have already started. I didn't gain weight over Christmas, so that is a start. I will exercise and eat better. And Matt is there to encourage me.
3. I will not be so quick to judge or accuse. I will try to see everyone the way God sees them, and I will try to see things from someone else's perspective (you know, walk a mile in their shoes).
4. This is the one that scares me: I avow to try not to procrastinate. We will see how this turns out.
5. I want to grow closer to God. Read the whole Bible in one year, pray more, listen more, and be more willing, and eager, to follow his leading.
6. I will grow closer to my husband. I vow to start less arguments. I will communicate better, listen more, be more understanding, more patient, and more thoughtful.
7. Hopefully, 2011 will see the beginning of Baird baby number 2. We will see how that plays out.
8. I will take more time for myself. I will love more, have more fun, laugh more, cry less, make time for more family time, and help others.
These are my goals. Stay tuned to see how they turn out!
I wish you all a new year filled with happiness, love, joy and peace.
Happy 2011!
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