We have been thinking a lot about Rachel's delivery. I have been trying to plan as much as I can. If you know me well, this will make sense to you. I am a planner. I want to know as much as I can ahead of time. We did not have that luxury with Joshua. Nothing was planned. We went into the hospital on Saturday night/Sunday morning around 12:30 AM and Josh was born just before 10 AM. We thought we would only be spending a few days at the hospital, and that Josh would come early, but not that early. Boy, were we in for a shock!
I have heard many people talk about the importance of a birthplan, and mine was not followed at all last time due to our dire circumstances. My OB encouraged me to still come up with one for this pregnancy. We know the mode of delivery, but so much more goes into this. At my appointment on Wednesday, I decided that the best way to come up with these minute details of my birthplan was to talk to my OB about what happened during my last c-section. I really needed some clarification about my experience. I particularly wanted to know what I experienced because of preeclampsia, and what is standard c-section procedure at our local hospital. This came to my mind after talking with other women who had c-sections and reading about experiences online. I began to see that a lot of what I dealt with was not considered standard for a section. It was a very informative and helpful conversation. I was able to talk about some of the things I didn't like last time and to understand why I experienced some of it. For example, I was closed up with staples last time, and I heard from other women it is better with stitches, so my doctor will use stitches. My OB says this should be a very different experience. She recognizes that my last experience was not normal and on top of giving birth to a preemie, the section and everything was not a good experience. At least now my OB knows my wishes and she is going to do her best to keep my plan.
During this pregnancy, a lot of my time has been spent thinking about my delivery. I will be honest, I have spent a lot of time dreading this repeat section and being afraid. But I feel better after my conversation with the doctor. I know a lot of what happened last time may not need to happen this time. I am still apprehensive about having the spinal. That was not a pleasant experience for me. But when I think about where we are headed, I feel pure joy. What matters is that Rachel gets here the safest way possible and that she is as healthy as possible. And right now, we have every reason to believe that she will not be here until the end of July. I can't explain how happy I will be if we carry her to term. When they pull her out and I see her, nothing else will matter; not the spinal, not the surgery, nothing. What will matter is having a healthy baby girl that will leave the hospital with us. I will have accomplished so much of what I missed last time. The feelings will be nothing but pure joy, relief, and accomplishment. And I know when I leave the hospital with that baby girl in my arms I will cry tears of joy because I don't have to hurt the way I hurt last time. It will be a great thing. And I am so excited knowing that is just around the corner! Some women talk about being proud of their c-section scar. I never have been. My scar from Josh has been a bad reminder; a reminder of pain, grief, and distress. I know without that scar my little boy would not be here. But if Rachel goes to term and comes home with us, that scar will have turned from bad to good. It will be a badge of honor; finally something I can be proud of.
I can't wait to see what the coming months hold for us. Rachel could be here two months from today! That is unreal. If not in two months, then a week after at the most! I will just be so happy to have her here. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her. And I know that no matter when she comes, or how, that she is in God's hands just like our little boy was. That is a promise I do not doubt. God will never leave my baby girl.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Miss Rachel
What is new with our little angel girl? Well, I don't know as much as I wish I did. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had another OB appointment. I was hoping for an ultrasound, but I did not receive one because I received so many early and our insurance will only cover so many. So I will receive one in two weeks. Most women love seeing their little baby on ultrasound, but I have a particular interest in it. Rachel's size means everything to me. It is what gives me hope. Rachel has measured a little ahead the entire time. Babies that measure ahead do not typically have preeclampsia. We know all about that first hand. When we gave birth to Josh at 32 weeks and 5 days, Joshua weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces. He should have weighed around 4 1/2 pounds. It is surreal to me just thinking that in a week or 10 days (in the 31 week range), I should be carrying a baby that weighs more than the boy I gave birth to 2 1/2 years ago.
We had a successful visit. Rachel is doing well. And Mommy is fine too. I have still been given the okay to go to Annual Conference for commissioning. We will see what my appointment in two weeks holds! This was the first time I saw my OB since my hospital visit the other Friday. We discussed all my tests and blood work. She was very pleased. At one point in time I found myself wondering why we keep redoing all these tests. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a doctor who knows what she is doing and who is so cautious. But I am so cautious also, and I really hate this expectation for something to go wrong that has been clouding this pregnancy. This is likely my last pregnancy. I should enjoy it while I can, because I know me and one day I will say that I miss it!
I am floored that I will be 30 weeks on Saturday! This one has gone fast! There was a time when I wondered if I would even make it this far. The expectation among some doctors and researchers is that if you have a bad case of preeclampsia then you will get it again, and likely even earlier. My case of preeclampsia was not one of the worst. I did not develop eclampsia or HELLP syndrome, but it was serious, serious enough to schedule a c-section because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke if I had gone into labor with Joshua. Each day and week further along that I make it with Rachel is good news. I am thankful for each day. And right now, I am thankful for the normal pregnancy I am being blessed with after such a horrible experience with preeclampsia.
Tomorrow (Friday) will be two months to the day of the earliest possible day my OB will deliver Rachel; if there are no complications that require an earlier delivery. Rachel could be here in 60 days and probably no later than 70 days! That is just around the corner! I am so excited! I can't wait to meet her, hold her, kiss her, to introduce her to her brother, and to just be thankful for God's blessing to our family. Our family will really be complete when she is here. One little boy and one little girl; both equally miraculous and both a reflection of the Father's goodness and faithfulness. In the meantime, I will try to enjoy the last weeks of my last pregnancy. These are the days I missed out on last time. I don't know if someone can really enjoy excessive heartburn and 4 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I am sure going to try! I felt robbed last time, so I am going to be like a sponge and soak up everything I can!
We had a successful visit. Rachel is doing well. And Mommy is fine too. I have still been given the okay to go to Annual Conference for commissioning. We will see what my appointment in two weeks holds! This was the first time I saw my OB since my hospital visit the other Friday. We discussed all my tests and blood work. She was very pleased. At one point in time I found myself wondering why we keep redoing all these tests. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a doctor who knows what she is doing and who is so cautious. But I am so cautious also, and I really hate this expectation for something to go wrong that has been clouding this pregnancy. This is likely my last pregnancy. I should enjoy it while I can, because I know me and one day I will say that I miss it!
I am floored that I will be 30 weeks on Saturday! This one has gone fast! There was a time when I wondered if I would even make it this far. The expectation among some doctors and researchers is that if you have a bad case of preeclampsia then you will get it again, and likely even earlier. My case of preeclampsia was not one of the worst. I did not develop eclampsia or HELLP syndrome, but it was serious, serious enough to schedule a c-section because my blood pressure was so high that I could have had a stroke if I had gone into labor with Joshua. Each day and week further along that I make it with Rachel is good news. I am thankful for each day. And right now, I am thankful for the normal pregnancy I am being blessed with after such a horrible experience with preeclampsia.
Tomorrow (Friday) will be two months to the day of the earliest possible day my OB will deliver Rachel; if there are no complications that require an earlier delivery. Rachel could be here in 60 days and probably no later than 70 days! That is just around the corner! I am so excited! I can't wait to meet her, hold her, kiss her, to introduce her to her brother, and to just be thankful for God's blessing to our family. Our family will really be complete when she is here. One little boy and one little girl; both equally miraculous and both a reflection of the Father's goodness and faithfulness. In the meantime, I will try to enjoy the last weeks of my last pregnancy. These are the days I missed out on last time. I don't know if someone can really enjoy excessive heartburn and 4 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I am sure going to try! I felt robbed last time, so I am going to be like a sponge and soak up everything I can!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Children
My husband and I were talking about the future the other day. As humans, why can't we leave the future alone? My experience has been that I make plans, and God must find my plans humorous because they hardly ever come out the way I want them to. My plans change as I seek to follow God's will. So anyway, we were discussing the future the other night; one particular part of the future. We were lying in bed after Matt got home from work (he works second shift) so it was around 12:30, and I said to him, "I can't believe I might be pregnant for the last time." We talked about that for just a moment, but we drifted off to sleep. The next day I mentioned our discussion again, about deciding whether or not we would have more. I told my husband we needed to make a decision. He looked at me and said, "Two's enough. For now. Isn't it?" I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. I probably had just as much confusion in mine. We have never been the parents of two children before. We don't know what to expect!
I have always envisioned that I would be the mom of three children. Growing up I was one of two and I wished so badly that I came from a big family. I wanted more siblings, particularly a brother. Matt and I talked before we got married and we felt like three children was a good number. But as I said, I make plans and God laughs. I have begun to wonder about having more children because I need to think about whether I want my tubes tied. I will be having another c-section and if I want it done, that is the time to do it. After some discussion with my OB we discovered that I may not be the best candidate for that with my normal hormone/cycle issues, but I like the idea of permanent birth control because I can't take the pill. We have a big decision to make and I find myself asking a lot of questions.
I look at stopping at two children quite favorably sometimes. I will have a boy and a girl. Another thing is that I won't have to be pregnant ever again; won't have to worry about complications or preeclampsia. I won't ever have to recover from another c-section. Then my focus will be on raising children and on my career. Plus, I have always told Matt that I want to be able to provide well for the children we have. I want them to have everything they need, some of what they want, and to be able to participate in extra-curricular activities like dance or sports; things that cost money. I also want to be able to help my children buy their first vehicle and get through college. I imagine that would be so hard with more children. Matt and I could do it well for Joshua and Rachel. I don't want to sacrifice our nest egg or our leisure activities all the time because we have so many children to provide for.
But then I think about having another child. I always wanted three. Matt and I have the love to give. We both are passionate about adoption, especially when we consider Jesus' command to care for the orphan. Adoption means I wouldn't have to be pregnant again. It isn't about biological children for us. After Joshua was born, we didn't know if we would ever have another biological child of our own. We thought we would adopt. I make plans, God laughs. We could provide for three children, we would just have to make more sacrifices. But then I think of how many different directions three children could pull us. And I intend to always be a career woman because I was called by God into ministry. And then I think about the stereotypes of pastor's children. It would be a lot easier to raise two well adjusted children and to give two children the attention they need and deserve.
I am having to learn it isn't about having three children just because I always wanted three. It's a family decision and time and money are factors. Someone once told me that if you want something badly, but it's not something God wants for you He will take away your desire for that or give you something to take it's place. Maybe God hasn't planned for me to have three children, and after Rachel gets here I will know two is enough and my heart will be full and complete. I am trusting that God will show us the answer when the time is right. Right now I am just trying to be thankful for all we have. We weren't even planning on Rachel. I wasn't trying to get pregnant; I was too scared. I told God that if He wanted me to have another biological child then He had to make it happen. And God gave us the precious gift of our little Rachel. I am learning not to tell God I don't like something or don't plan on doing something because I can almost guarantee if I say that He will make it happen.
And what is it that I have to be thankful for? So much! A loving, Heavenly Father, a great, supportive, wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a job, a home, family and friends, an education, and I could go on. I should give birth to Rachel at the end of July. I will be 29 this year. Before I turn 30, I will have completed 7 years of college and grad school with 3 degrees to show for it. I got married while in grad school; pregnant with my first child while in grad school. I gave birth after I graduated. I will have my second child this summer. I have a job as a pastor where I change lives. I will be commissioned in June, and I will be on my way to ordination all by the time I am 30. That is a lot to be thankful for. I could be done having children before I turn 30. That is an accomplishment, especially when educated, career women like me are waiting longer to have children. But I know, no matter what, God will show us what is right for us and He will do so in his time. And maybe that time will be when I hold Rachel in my arms for the first time.
I have always envisioned that I would be the mom of three children. Growing up I was one of two and I wished so badly that I came from a big family. I wanted more siblings, particularly a brother. Matt and I talked before we got married and we felt like three children was a good number. But as I said, I make plans and God laughs. I have begun to wonder about having more children because I need to think about whether I want my tubes tied. I will be having another c-section and if I want it done, that is the time to do it. After some discussion with my OB we discovered that I may not be the best candidate for that with my normal hormone/cycle issues, but I like the idea of permanent birth control because I can't take the pill. We have a big decision to make and I find myself asking a lot of questions.
I look at stopping at two children quite favorably sometimes. I will have a boy and a girl. Another thing is that I won't have to be pregnant ever again; won't have to worry about complications or preeclampsia. I won't ever have to recover from another c-section. Then my focus will be on raising children and on my career. Plus, I have always told Matt that I want to be able to provide well for the children we have. I want them to have everything they need, some of what they want, and to be able to participate in extra-curricular activities like dance or sports; things that cost money. I also want to be able to help my children buy their first vehicle and get through college. I imagine that would be so hard with more children. Matt and I could do it well for Joshua and Rachel. I don't want to sacrifice our nest egg or our leisure activities all the time because we have so many children to provide for.
But then I think about having another child. I always wanted three. Matt and I have the love to give. We both are passionate about adoption, especially when we consider Jesus' command to care for the orphan. Adoption means I wouldn't have to be pregnant again. It isn't about biological children for us. After Joshua was born, we didn't know if we would ever have another biological child of our own. We thought we would adopt. I make plans, God laughs. We could provide for three children, we would just have to make more sacrifices. But then I think of how many different directions three children could pull us. And I intend to always be a career woman because I was called by God into ministry. And then I think about the stereotypes of pastor's children. It would be a lot easier to raise two well adjusted children and to give two children the attention they need and deserve.
I am having to learn it isn't about having three children just because I always wanted three. It's a family decision and time and money are factors. Someone once told me that if you want something badly, but it's not something God wants for you He will take away your desire for that or give you something to take it's place. Maybe God hasn't planned for me to have three children, and after Rachel gets here I will know two is enough and my heart will be full and complete. I am trusting that God will show us the answer when the time is right. Right now I am just trying to be thankful for all we have. We weren't even planning on Rachel. I wasn't trying to get pregnant; I was too scared. I told God that if He wanted me to have another biological child then He had to make it happen. And God gave us the precious gift of our little Rachel. I am learning not to tell God I don't like something or don't plan on doing something because I can almost guarantee if I say that He will make it happen.
And what is it that I have to be thankful for? So much! A loving, Heavenly Father, a great, supportive, wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a job, a home, family and friends, an education, and I could go on. I should give birth to Rachel at the end of July. I will be 29 this year. Before I turn 30, I will have completed 7 years of college and grad school with 3 degrees to show for it. I got married while in grad school; pregnant with my first child while in grad school. I gave birth after I graduated. I will have my second child this summer. I have a job as a pastor where I change lives. I will be commissioned in June, and I will be on my way to ordination all by the time I am 30. That is a lot to be thankful for. I could be done having children before I turn 30. That is an accomplishment, especially when educated, career women like me are waiting longer to have children. But I know, no matter what, God will show us what is right for us and He will do so in his time. And maybe that time will be when I hold Rachel in my arms for the first time.
Monday, May 14, 2012
What's New
Well, it has been awhile since I have written. Things have been busy. A lot has been going on around here. We have been battling allergies in our family on top of all the busyness. Joshua is getting new furniture soon, and we have been getting his room ready for that and Rachel's room ready for the crib and her other furniture. Rachel will have the room that used to be the office so we had a lot of rearranging to do. I have started to wash Rachel's things, and there is a lot of it!
Updates regarding my pregnancy: I passed my second gestational diabetes test! Yay! No diabetes here. It finally felt like things were going well. Nothing else could be wrong. We have checked for everything. I saw my OB last Tuesday and she said everything was looking good. I hated that we didn't get to see my girl on the ultrasound. Hopefully next time. Then on Friday, I ended up at the hospital. I was having contractions that were about 7-8 minutes apart and Rachel wasn't moving much. Matt talked me in to getting checked out, even though I was hesitant. After we got hooked up to the monitors and found Rachel's heartbeat, she started moving around like a crazy girl! Everything ended up being just fine. My contractions were probably a combination of Braxton Hicks and dehydration. You would think that I would learn that I need to drink more! I was a little swollen when I got there so the nurses started to check for preeclampsia. And I did not have the protein or the blood pressure symptom! Praise God! They did the preterm labor test and it came back negative; no labor for me in the next two weeks! I felt really good when we left the hospital. I made a decision when we left the hospital: I am not going to live every day of this pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong. It is in God's hands. He took care of my little boy, and He will take care of Rachel, whatever happens. I have to be reminded pretty frequently that He is the one in control, not me!
I got the ok from my OB to go to Annual Conference this year. I was worried that she would not let me. That means a lot, especially since I am being commissioned. Now, I won't have to miss it! I just pray I don't end up on permanent bedrest between now and then. I am looking forward to a few days away, and another step in my journey being accomplished. It should be a good time.
Updates regarding my pregnancy: I passed my second gestational diabetes test! Yay! No diabetes here. It finally felt like things were going well. Nothing else could be wrong. We have checked for everything. I saw my OB last Tuesday and she said everything was looking good. I hated that we didn't get to see my girl on the ultrasound. Hopefully next time. Then on Friday, I ended up at the hospital. I was having contractions that were about 7-8 minutes apart and Rachel wasn't moving much. Matt talked me in to getting checked out, even though I was hesitant. After we got hooked up to the monitors and found Rachel's heartbeat, she started moving around like a crazy girl! Everything ended up being just fine. My contractions were probably a combination of Braxton Hicks and dehydration. You would think that I would learn that I need to drink more! I was a little swollen when I got there so the nurses started to check for preeclampsia. And I did not have the protein or the blood pressure symptom! Praise God! They did the preterm labor test and it came back negative; no labor for me in the next two weeks! I felt really good when we left the hospital. I made a decision when we left the hospital: I am not going to live every day of this pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong. It is in God's hands. He took care of my little boy, and He will take care of Rachel, whatever happens. I have to be reminded pretty frequently that He is the one in control, not me!
I got the ok from my OB to go to Annual Conference this year. I was worried that she would not let me. That means a lot, especially since I am being commissioned. Now, I won't have to miss it! I just pray I don't end up on permanent bedrest between now and then. I am looking forward to a few days away, and another step in my journey being accomplished. It should be a good time.
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