We have been thinking a lot about Rachel's delivery. I have been trying to plan as much as I can. If you know me well, this will make sense to you. I am a planner. I want to know as much as I can ahead of time. We did not have that luxury with Joshua. Nothing was planned. We went into the hospital on Saturday night/Sunday morning around 12:30 AM and Josh was born just before 10 AM. We thought we would only be spending a few days at the hospital, and that Josh would come early, but not that early. Boy, were we in for a shock!
I have heard many people talk about the importance of a birthplan, and mine was not followed at all last time due to our dire circumstances. My OB encouraged me to still come up with one for this pregnancy. We know the mode of delivery, but so much more goes into this. At my appointment on Wednesday, I decided that the best way to come up with these minute details of my birthplan was to talk to my OB about what happened during my last c-section. I really needed some clarification about my experience. I particularly wanted to know what I experienced because of preeclampsia, and what is standard c-section procedure at our local hospital. This came to my mind after talking with other women who had c-sections and reading about experiences online. I began to see that a lot of what I dealt with was not considered standard for a section. It was a very informative and helpful conversation. I was able to talk about some of the things I didn't like last time and to understand why I experienced some of it. For example, I was closed up with staples last time, and I heard from other women it is better with stitches, so my doctor will use stitches. My OB says this should be a very different experience. She recognizes that my last experience was not normal and on top of giving birth to a preemie, the section and everything was not a good experience. At least now my OB knows my wishes and she is going to do her best to keep my plan.
During this pregnancy, a lot of my time has been spent thinking about my delivery. I will be honest, I have spent a lot of time dreading this repeat section and being afraid. But I feel better after my conversation with the doctor. I know a lot of what happened last time may not need to happen this time. I am still apprehensive about having the spinal. That was not a pleasant experience for me. But when I think about where we are headed, I feel pure joy. What matters is that Rachel gets here the safest way possible and that she is as healthy as possible. And right now, we have every reason to believe that she will not be here until the end of July. I can't explain how happy I will be if we carry her to term. When they pull her out and I see her, nothing else will matter; not the spinal, not the surgery, nothing. What will matter is having a healthy baby girl that will leave the hospital with us. I will have accomplished so much of what I missed last time. The feelings will be nothing but pure joy, relief, and accomplishment. And I know when I leave the hospital with that baby girl in my arms I will cry tears of joy because I don't have to hurt the way I hurt last time. It will be a great thing. And I am so excited knowing that is just around the corner! Some women talk about being proud of their c-section scar. I never have been. My scar from Josh has been a bad reminder; a reminder of pain, grief, and distress. I know without that scar my little boy would not be here. But if Rachel goes to term and comes home with us, that scar will have turned from bad to good. It will be a badge of honor; finally something I can be proud of.
I can't wait to see what the coming months hold for us. Rachel could be here two months from today! That is unreal. If not in two months, then a week after at the most! I will just be so happy to have her here. I can't wait to meet her and to hold her. And I know that no matter when she comes, or how, that she is in God's hands just like our little boy was. That is a promise I do not doubt. God will never leave my baby girl.
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