Children

My husband and I were talking about the future the other day.  As humans, why can't we leave the future alone?  My experience has been that I make plans, and God must find my plans humorous because they hardly ever come out the way I want them to.  My plans change as I seek to follow God's will.  So anyway, we were discussing the future the other night; one particular part of the future.  We were lying in bed after Matt got home from work (he works second shift) so it was around 12:30, and I said to him, "I can't believe I might be pregnant for the last time."  We talked about that for just a moment, but we drifted off to sleep.  The next day I mentioned our discussion again, about deciding whether or not we would have more.  I told my husband we needed to make a decision.  He looked at me and said, "Two's enough.  For now.  Isn't it?"  I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.  I probably had just as much confusion in mine.  We have never been the parents of two children before.  We don't know what to expect!

I have always envisioned that I would be the mom of three children.  Growing up I was one of two and I wished so badly that I came from a big family.  I wanted more siblings, particularly a brother.  Matt and I talked before we got married and we felt like three children was a good number.  But as I said, I make plans and God laughs.  I have begun to wonder about having more children because I need to think about whether I want my tubes tied.  I will be having another c-section and if I want it done, that is the time to do it.  After some discussion with my OB we discovered that I may not be the best candidate for that with my normal hormone/cycle issues, but I like the idea of permanent birth control because I can't take the pill.  We have a big decision to make and I find myself asking a lot of questions.

I look at stopping at two children quite favorably sometimes.  I will have a boy and a girl.  Another thing is that I won't have to be pregnant ever again; won't have to worry about complications or preeclampsia.  I won't ever have to recover from another c-section.  Then my focus will be on raising children and on my career.  Plus, I have always told Matt that I want to be able to provide well for the children we have.  I want them to have everything they need, some of what they want, and to be able to participate in extra-curricular activities like dance or sports; things that cost money.  I also want to be able to help my children buy their first vehicle and get through college.  I imagine that would be so hard with more children.  Matt and I could do it well for Joshua and Rachel.  I don't want to sacrifice our nest egg or our leisure activities all the time because we have so many children to provide for. 

But then I think about having another child.  I always wanted three.  Matt and I have the love to give.  We both are passionate about adoption, especially when we consider Jesus' command to care for the orphan.  Adoption means I wouldn't have to be pregnant again.  It isn't about biological children for us.  After Joshua was born, we didn't know if we would ever have another biological child of our own.  We thought we would adopt.  I make plans, God laughs.  We could provide for three children, we would just have to make more sacrifices.  But then I think of how many different directions three children could pull us.  And I intend to always be a career woman because I was called by God into ministry.  And then I think about the stereotypes of pastor's children.  It would be a lot easier to raise two well adjusted children and to give two children the attention they need and deserve.

I am having to learn it isn't about having three children just because I always wanted three.  It's a family decision and time and money are factors.  Someone once told me that if you want something badly, but it's not something God wants for you He will take away your desire for that or give you something to take it's place.  Maybe God hasn't planned for me to have three children, and after Rachel gets here I will know two is enough and my heart will be full and complete.  I am trusting that God will show us the answer when the time is right.  Right now I am just trying to be thankful for all we have.  We weren't even planning on Rachel.  I wasn't trying to get pregnant; I was too scared.  I told God that if He wanted me to have another biological child then He had to make it happen.  And God gave us the precious gift of our little Rachel.  I am learning not to tell God I don't like something or don't plan on doing something because I can almost guarantee if I say that He will make it happen. 

And what is it that I have to be thankful for?  So much!  A loving, Heavenly Father, a great, supportive, wonderful husband, two beautiful children, a job, a home, family and friends, an education, and I could go on.  I should give birth to Rachel at the end of July.  I will be 29 this year.  Before I turn 30, I will have completed 7 years of college and grad school with 3 degrees to show for it.  I got married while in grad school; pregnant with my first child while in grad school.  I gave birth after I graduated.  I will have my second child this summer.  I have a job as a pastor where I change lives.  I will be commissioned in June, and I will be on my way to ordination all by the time I am 30.  That is a lot to be thankful for.  I could be done having children before I turn 30.  That is an accomplishment, especially when educated, career women like me are waiting longer to have children.  But I know, no matter what, God will show us what is right for us and He will do so in his time.  And maybe that time will be when I hold Rachel in my arms for the first time.