Maybe the fifth time is the charm

Last week when I wrote I was excited because Josh should have been home in a few days. Well, of course, that did not work out like it should have. Josh is not home where he belongs yet. I spoke with the doctor this morning and he said hopefully Wednesday or Thurday. Today marks the fifth time someone has said that Josh will be coming home on a certain day; hopefully this time will be right. I am getting pretty sick of people saying he will be home at this time, and then it doesn't work out. I just want my little boy home. I don't understand what is so hard about this: if there is any chance something could come up then don't say anything until you know for sure. We are getting sick of hearing that Josh will be coming home in two or three days just to learn later that isn't the case. It would be much better for me if I were to walk in the NICU one day and a nurse or doctor were to say that tomorrow will definitely be the day. That would make me happy.

This has been incredibly rough on us. You can't even imagine what this is like until you go through this yourself. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I keep asking Matt why we have to go through this. It isn't at all fair. I want to know what God wants me to learn from this. I don't understand why God allowed this to happen. I feel like I have caused this, and maybe, I could have done something to prevent this. Some days it just breaks my heart to have to go into the NICU and see Josh there. He belongs at home with us.

It doesn't help that we have a stubborn little boy. He has been in the NICU for so long getting spoiled by the nurses. For a little while he was the only baby in the NICU. It's like each time he hears someone say he is almost ready to go home, he makes something else go wrong. He doesn't want to leave his nurses and all the attention he has been getting. Right now he is the only male in the NICU until the doctors come in. He is surrounded by female nurses and three other paatients that are little girls. This makes Matt proud that his little boy already has women all over him.

Josh's problems right now deal with stomach issues. He is spitting up more often then they would like him to. He is not spitting up as much now that they changed his formula, but they feel like he should not be spitting up on the formula he is on. They are hoping being strictly breastfed won't cause him to spit up. But to be cautious they are running an acid reflux test. If it comes back positive they will put Josh on Xantac. If the test is negative, they will assume Josh is just one of those babies who spit up. I am glad that they are trying to figure that out. I do not want Josh to come home spitting up all the time and all over everything.

Josh did fail his sleep test last week. He had an episode of apnea that lasted 18 seconds. That concerned the doctors so they wanted him to go through the weekend with no apnea or bradycardia symptoms. He made it from Wednesday to Friday, but then he started having some drops with his breathing. These coincided with his new round of spitting up. The nurses determined that they were related to the spitting up and could not be documented as apnea or bradycardia. Josh did have one drop unrelated to spitting up on Saturday night, but it was very brief. He has not had one since. The doctor said he was very impressed that Josh only had one true drop between Wednesday afternoon and Monday morning. He said if Josh didn't have stomach issues, they would be releasing him today. The good news is that Josh should grow out of the apnea.

This has been a rough ride, but hopefully it is almost over. We are just anxious to get Josh home. It feels like we are almost at the end of this horrible nightmare. My life hasn't even felt like my life. This all feels like a horrible dream, a dream that I am ready to end. It should be over this week. And I will be so happy that I am one of those women leaving the hospital with my baby. Then the three of us can start our new life together. We will be able to make lots of new memories. It will be so fun to watch him grow up. I am a little discouraged with the situation. I am also very thankful, especially when I think about the two alternatives: Josh could not have made it or I could still be pregnant. I am so happy that he is here and healthy. And it was a nice surprise that he came early. We have had the chance to bond with our son and to get to know him. He is so beautiful and he has a precious personality. But we really can't wait to have him here with us. I would give up sleep every night if it meant he could be here with us.